To: Thomas Moorfield
From: Oliver Kurland [rkurls @ pdc.com]
Sent: Monday, 11:47am
 
Hey Tom,
 
> This is a real quicky - the second half of my lecture starts in 9 minutes
> over the other side of campus, but: went to the hospital, had
> blood taken, had the whole lifestyle lecture (actually the nurse (male) was
> pretty non-patronising and informative) and I'm going to phone them
> between 5 and 6 to get my results.
 
Cool.  Glad it was relatively smooth.  Hope you didn't miss anything really
important from your lecture, though.
 
> I had to sign waiver forms to get them to agree to tell
> me over the phone. That seemed kind of odd. But yes, signed, and
> tests being run and there is like, no chance of the results coming back
> positive, and for some reason I'm still feeling kind of weird about the
> whole thing.
 
Yeah, no matter what your head tells you it's kind of weird.  Like your body
says "Needle?  Am I sick?" and your subconscious does strange things.
 
But I know it will be fine, and we'll both feel better to have the results.
 
BTW--do you want to see mine?  I can bring them, it's no trouble.
 
> Just wanted to let you know. Mostly that it went ok, and also that I will
> email tonight when I know the results.
 
Good enough.  I always look forward to your e-mails, no matter the reason.
 
> Talked to my mum last night too - more stuff to tell you. Nothing to panic
> over though, ok?
 
Umm, okay.  But...I'm here, yeah? You want to talk, I'm here to listen.
Obviously you can't if you're off to class, but, please.  Know that you can.
 
> Just - wish you were here; life stuff, not bedroom stuff (for a change).
 
Okay, now I'll admit to being worried.  Seth, again?  Or did you tell them
about me and they think you're making a huge mistake?
 
I'm going to let this go for now.  But please, Tom.  Talk to me when you get
the chance.
 
> Hope Monday's good to you this week.
 
Monday is being very good to me.  Got fresh muffins for breakfast, had two
easy meetings, and am now doing detail work on the London trip.  Looks like
a nice, quiet day, for once.
 
> Tom
>
> Your Tom?
 
My Tom.  Mine.
 
E-mail me when you can.  I'm going to see if I can get a ride in before dark
and finish up on the paper work at home later for the London set up--basic
time eating thing that I'd rather do in front of the TV.
 
Other than that, you can reach me anytime.
 
Your Oliver.
 
 
 
To:  Oliver Kurland [rkurls @ pdc.com]
From:  Thomas Moorfield
Sent:  Monday 7:12pm
 
Hey Oliver,
 
Sorry this is so late -  I've just been flat out since this morning, so I
ended up going back to Becka's for a very *very* late lunch (and this is
where I sound like a complete wuss)  and so I'd have someone around when I
called the hospital.
 
All clear.
 
I don't even know why I was worried about it. And I trust you not to be
making up your results, so: good to go.
 
Becka thinks it's the weirdest thing, all this planning ahead and testing
and stuff, but I guess it's different for her.
 
> > Just - wish you were here; life stuff, not bedroom stuff (for a change).
>
> Okay, now I'll admit to being worried.  Seth, again?  Or did you tell them
> about me and they think you're making a huge mistake?
 
Sorry if I worried you - It's been a bit of a weird day for no particularly
good reason: maybe because I slept badly, and then started the day mildly
hung over, which is all my own fault.
 
Four pints, no meal, and a conversation with my mother last thing does not
make for a good night's sleep.
 
God - Oliver? I'm really sorry - I shouldn't be worrying you, and I probably
shouldn't be putting all my problems on your shoulders, and expecting you to
be there.
 
If  I don’t tell you you'll only worry though, now I've gone all portentous
on you.
 
My mum's had a routine test come back borderline: something that might or
might not be cancer, basically. She's got an appointment at the hospital
next week for more tests. That's what she rang to tell me - or left me a
message for me to call her back about, even.
 
It wouldn't be a big deal, only I think she's scared. My mum shouldn't be
scared. Makes her dangerously fragile, you know? She got all - well - not
weepy - my mum doesn't *do* weepy, but kind of emotional and - basically
wanted a heart to heart. Told me a whole bunch of stuff about how she
worries about me, just wants me to be happy - apologised for Seth being a
pain - all of it good stuff, in and of itself. Just - left me in a weird
mood I guess.
 
I told her about you - that you make me happy, and that you're coming this
week, and a little bit about who you are.  I think maybe the only words she
heard were 'older' and 'Boston'.  Told me to be careful, not to get
distracted from my finals, not to get my heart broken, basically. I guess it
was a bit much to ask her to be happy for me unreservedly.  Still: the
family knows now, and she said that you sound nice, and so long as I'm
happy. Asked if I was going to move to the USA - I told her that I wasn't
thinking of it.
 
I talked to Becka about some of it: the mum being maybe ill part, mostly,
and I know it's just me realising that she's human and fallible, and
probably going to die one day - even if this current thing is nothing
serious - and - I just don't want to be thinking about issues of mortality,
basically.
 
And this is all a bit much for me to be telling you really, isn't it? I said
I'd be honest though, so ... honestly? This is one of those times when I
really really really wish you weren't in Boston and you were here, because I
want to be held. I want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok.
 
And for that someone not to think I'm a great pansy poof for wanting that.
 
OK: officially changing the subject for a while.
 
> > Hope Monday's good to you this week.
>
> Monday is being very good to me.  Got fresh muffins for breakfast, had two
> easy meetings, and am now doing detail work on the London trip.  Looks
> like a nice, quiet day, for once.
 
That sounds like a good thing. ;)
 
> E-mail me when you can.  I'm going to see if I can get a ride in before
> dark and finish up on the paper work at home later for the London set up--basic
> time eating thing that I'd rather do in front of the TV.
 
You really have taken to the bike thing, haven't you?  That's cool. ;)
 
> Bugger. :-(  Got a  nice day here, so I made it out for a bit this
> morning. Had far too much to do at home today to make it a long ride, though.  (And
> yeah, sorta sore from yesterday.  Don't think I could have done any more
> than what I did today.)
 
Everyone feels it: it's just a slightly different work out to a static
bike - plus you're more likely to keep going longer. Hot baths, and
boyfriends with massaging hands are recommended. (Yes, that's an offer for
when you get here.)
 
> >  I've told Pete and Cassie that I'll be skipping both of next weeks
> > meets, and they're fine with that.
>
> That's good.  Not that you'll miss the meets, but that they're okay with
> it. And I suppose that it's good that you'll miss the meets too, given that
> you'll be missing them 'cause I'm there and I'm going to stop now before I
> really start to babble.  Yes.
 
It's very endearing babble. Personally I think it's a good thing. ;)
 
> Your shoulder is still giving you trouble?  I don't like the sound of
> that. Go easy, yeah?
 
Just me being a lazy arse for practically a whole month and then trying to
jump straight back in. To be honest, the upper body stuff's been what's been
limiting me more or less forever, so: need to do something about that. I'm
just not sure what. Possibly this is distraction worrying. Although it's
still kind of sore. I'll live.
 
> > Toad came a cropper *again*.  I tell you, if he wasn't such a nice guy
> > ....  I'm actually a bit worried about taking him out on real rock -
> > don't want to watch him hurt himself, you know?
>
> Yeah, I know.  But maybe he needs one really huge bruise to teach him to
> calm down.  Not that I want to see him break a bone or anything, but
> sometimes people need to learn the hard way. :-(
 
Could be - just do not want to clean up the mess.
 
> > > > a]  I have to bribe you to get shower sex and blow jobs? *lip
> > > > trembling pout*
> > >
> > > No.  You will get shower sex and blow jobs anyway.  ;-)
> >
> > Mmmmm - I'll hold you to that. I'll just hold you, in fact. This time in
> > three days - sooner, in fact.
>
> You want shower sex or a blow job first?  ;-)
 
Just want you.
 
> > > > Altered?  Oliver? Will Janet send me a copy if I email her and ask
> > > > nicely?
> > >
> > > She might.  But I'll not tell you her e-mail address. :-)
> >
> > Yeeees, but Koine Industries does have a web page, and a staff
> > directory ... I could probably track it down.
>
> Oh, sneaky.  You track her down, you can ask anything you want.  ;-)
 
Deal.
 
Of course I should be working for my final papers and so forth and not
trying to hunt down your PA on the net ..
 
> > Mostly, you just have to ask. I'm increasingly coming to the
> > conclusion that all you ever have to do is ask, and I'll do my best to
> > give you whatever you want.
>
> Oh. :D
>
> Okay.  Umm....Tom, will you let me............no, I think I'll wait and
> ask you that when the time is right.  When you're panting and almost ready to
> come for me. >:-)
 
You are deliciously evil and incredibly distracting, you know that?
 
> Here would be where I want to kiss you.
 
Two days now.
 
> > I think you've got me.
>
> You keep...you keep saying things that make me weak with happiness.
 
You realise that goes both ways?
 
> Apparently so--at least I didn't go ass over tea kettle.
 
That's such a neat phrasing. And good that you didn’t come a cropper.
 
> Heeee!  But at least my helmet matches.  Accessories are very important.
> :P
 
Oh yes: what colour did you get then?
 
> > Bet you're feeling it this morning ;)
> >
> God, I had to roll out of bed this morning and stretch for about twenty
> minutes.  I am *so* not used to this. :P  But I managed, and even talked
> myself into a ride this morning.  Stayed on easy trails and off steep
> hills, just worked the worst of the kinks out.  Was nice, though there were less
> people out this morning--everyone must have been sleeping in. :-)
 
That's cool - that you got out there again, not that you were stiff.
 
> > It is generally a pretty friendly thing, for something that's
> > essentially solitary. I imagine that a sunny day in the park on a Saturday probably
> > doesn’t hurt. Just wait until you get your first angry dog/pissed off dog walker though.
>
> Meep.  So not looking forward to that. :P
 
A couple of war stories are always good for a drink though. ;)
 
> > Hee - you are going to be so hooked: Next thing you know you'll start
> > getting subscriptions to magazines ...
>
> I have will power.  I shall resist.
>
> Oh...shiny paper.
 
Hee - you're hopeless. And I think I like that.
 
Although I probably shouldn’t confess that I just thought 'wonder if a tub of
glitter gel to make me shiny ...'
 
> > > The bike has yet to tell it's name. :D
>
> Fred.
 
Your bike's called Fred?
 
Why?
 
> You are wonderful.  And cute.  And sexy.  And adorable.
 
I think you're nuts. But I rather like the form of your insanity.
 
> Hope the rain cleared off and you managed to find something to eat.  Avoid
> drinking too much waiting for the rain to stop. :P
 
The canteen was shut, the burger bar is rank, so I drank my dinner. Oops. It
was Guinness though, so contained actual *stuff*.
 
> I'm going to finish packing for Wednesday--all the dry cleaning is ready
> to go, just need to wait until Tuesday night for the other stuff.
 
Organized guy. ;)
 
> Once that's done I'll get supper on and tidy this place up, then I'm settling in with
> To Kill A Mockingbird (again--love this book), and off to bed at a reasonable
> hour.
 
You like To Kill A Mockingbird?  I'll be honest and say that I've not read
it since school. How come it's on your favourite books list? I mean - what
is it about it, not 'defend your choice', sort of 'how come'.
 
I'm tired - I don’t know if this is making a lot of sense. I should go
home - maybe even go to bed. It's only early, but it feels like it's way
later than it is.
 
> Your Oliver.
 
I like seeing that - hearing that. Like that maybe it's true.
 
Soon.
 
Miss you.
 
Your Tom,
************************
"God-like aliens...man do I hate God-like aliens! I'll trade a critter for a
God-like alien any day!"
 
 
 
To: Thomas Moorfield
From: Oliver Kurland [rkurls @ pdc.com}
Sent: Monday 3:15pm
 
Hey you,
 
> Sorry this is so late -  I've just been flat out since. this morning, so I
> ended up going back to Becka's for a very *very* late lunch (and this is
> where I sound like a complete wuss)  and so I'd have someone around when I
> called the hospital.
>
> All clear.
 
*Cheers*  Of course it was fine.  Nice to have someone with you, though.
Hugs to Becka.
 
> I don't even know why I was worried about it. And I trust you not to be
> making up your results, so: good to go.
 
Okay.  I guess we're...ready then.  All we need is to be in the same room.
Two days.
 
> Becka thinks it's the weirdest thing, all this planning ahead and testing
> and stuff, but I guess it's different for her.
 
Yeah.  Though I firmly believe everyone should make sure their partners are
clean, even if they aren't in high risk groups--just seems like straight
people don't have to think about it as much.
 
> > > Just - wish you were here; life stuff, not bedroom stuff (for
> > > a change).
> >
> > Okay, now I'll admit to being worried.  Seth, again?  Or did
> > you tell them about me and they think you're making a huge mistake?
>
> Sorry if I worried you - It's been a bit of a weird day for no
> particularly good reason: maybe because I slept badly, and then started
> the day mildly hung over, which is all my own fault.
 
Starting the day feeling woozy isn't good, then running around to get blood
tests and back to classes....yeah, can see the weirdness and tension.
 
> Four pints, no meal, and a conversation with my mother last thing does not
> make for a good night's sleep.
 
Want to hug you.
 
> God - Oliver? I'm really sorry - I shouldn't be worrying you, and
> I probably shouldn't be putting all my problems on your shoulders, and
> expecting you to be there.
 
Um.  Hello?  Care about you.  This is exactly the sort of thing you *should*
be doing.  I'm the one you should be expecting to be there for you--I'm your
partner.  I'm *supposed* to be your sounding board.  Your comfort.
 
> If  I don’t tell you you'll only worry though, now I've gone all
> portentous on you.
 
There is that as well.
 
> My mum's had a routine test come back borderline: something that might or
> might not be cancer, basically.
 
Ah shit.  I'm sorry.  She must be scared.  You must be as well.
 
> She's got an appointment at the hospital next week for more tests.
> That's what she rang to tell me - or left me a message for me to call her
> back about, even.
>
> It wouldn't be a big deal, only I think she's scared. My mum shouldn't be
> scared. Makes her dangerously fragile, you know?
 
Yeah.  Parents are supposed to be strong and durable and there to take care
of *us* if we need them.
 
> She got all - well - not weepy - my mum doesn't *do* weepy, but kind of
> emotional and - basically wanted a heart to heart. Told me a whole bunch
> of stuff about how she worries about me, just wants me to be happy - apologised
> for Seth being a pain - all of it good stuff, in and of itself. Just - left me in a weird
> mood I guess.
 
I can understand that.  Sort of.  Not from experience with my mother, but I
can see where you are coming from.
 
God, I wish I was there.
 
> I told her about you - that you make me happy, and that you're coming this
> week, and a little bit about who you are.  I think maybe the only
> words she heard were 'older' and 'Boston'.  Told me to be careful, not to
> get distracted from my finals, not to get my heart broken, basically.
 
That's...good.  That's all good mom stuff.  Really.  She's worried and
trying to be supportive of something she doesn't understand.
 
I'm sorry--I'm really sort of going on a wing and a prayer here--I don't
know what to say.  I don't know what you need to hear.  Your family is
different from mine, and I can only guess what she's thinking.
 
> I guess it was a bit much to ask her to be happy for me unreservedly.
> Still: the family knows now, and she said that you sound nice, and so long as I'm
> happy. Asked if I was going to move to the USA - I told her that I wasn't
> thinking of it.
 
Okay.  It's good that she's trying to be happy that you're happy.  It's good
that she trusts your judgement.
 
> I talked to Becka about some of it: the mum being maybe ill part, mostly,
> and I know it's just me realising that she's human and fallible, and
> probably going to die one day - even if this current thing is nothing
> serious - and - I just don't want to be thinking about issues of
> mortality, basically.
 
No one likes to think about that, Tom.  And sometimes it comes out of
nowhere like this and you find yourself having to face it.  I'm sorry.  God,
I want...want to tell you everything is going to be fine forever.  That
she's fine (which she probably is), and that she'll always be there.
 
> And this is all a bit much for me to be telling you really, isn't  it?
 
No.  This is right.
 
> I said I'd be honest though, so ... honestly? This is one of those times
> when I really really really wish you weren't in Boston and you were
> here, because I want to be held. I want someone to hold me and tell me
> it's going to be ok.
 
I know.  I know.
 
This is...hard.  This is what being apart is.  This is the worst part of
being like this.
 
This is the tough part, and I'll understand if it's too much.  It'll damn
near wreck me, but I'll understand.
 
> And for that someone not to think I'm a great pansy poof for wanting that.
 
No one would think that you were a 'great pansy poof' for wanting support
from your boyfriend, Tom.  It's what partners are for.
 
> OK: officially changing the subject for a while.
>
> > E-mail me when you can.  I'm going to see if I can get a ride in before
> > dark and finish up on the paper work at home later for the London
> > set up--basic time eating thing that I'd rather do in front of the TV.
>
> You really have taken to the bike thing, haven't you? - That's cool ;)
 
Yeah, I have, but to be totally honest I'm scared that if I stop for too
long my muscles will seize up and I won't be able to walk up the stairs. :P
 
> Everyone feels it: it's just a slightly different work out to a static
> bike - plus you're more likely to keep going longer. Hot baths, and
> boyfriends with massaging hands are recommended. (yes that's an offer for
> when you get here)
 
Oh, thank God.  I'm going to hold you to that.
 
> > You want shower sex or a blow job first?  ;-)
>
> Just want you.
 
Yes.  Naked, clothed, doesn't matter.  Just need to see you.  Hold onto you.
Touch you, talk to you, let you see me.  Let me see you.
 
> > > Yeeees, but Koine Industries does have a web page, and a staff
> > > directory ... I could probably track it down.
> >
> > Oh, sneaky.  You track her down, you can ask anything you want.  ;-)
>
> Deal.
>
> Of course I should be working for my final papers and so forth and not
> trying to hunt down your PA on the net ..
 
*sigh*  jknotter @ koine.com  Or, I could bring one with me.
 
> > > Mostly, you just have to ask. I'm increasingly coming to the
> > > conclusion that all you ever have to do is ask, and I'll do my best to
> > > give you whatever you want.
> >
> > Oh. :D
> >
> > Okay.  Umm....Tom, will you let me............no, I think I'll wait and
> > ask you that when the time is right.  When you're panting and
> > almost ready to come for me. >:-)
>
> You are deliciously evil and incredibly distracting, you know that?
 
Yup.  And it's one of those perv things I want to teach you.  >:-)
 
> > Here would be where I want to kiss you.
>
> Two days now.
 
Less than, barring train delays for you and late meetings for me.
 
> > > I think you've got me.
> >
> > You keep...you keep saying things that make me weak with happiness.
>
> You realise that goes both ways?
 
Good.  Need you, Tom.  So much is scares me sometimes.
 
> > Apparently so--at least I didn't go ass over tea kettle.
>
> That's such a neat phrasing. And good that you didn’t come a cropper.
 
Speaking of neat phrasing....'come a cropper' is cool. :P
 
> > Heeee!  But at least my helmet matches.  Accessories are very important.
> > :P
>
> Oh yes: what colour did you get then?
 
Blue.  Nice sort of dusky blue with black.
 
> > > Hee - you are going to be so hooked: Next thing you know you'll start
> > > getting subscriptions to magazines ...
> >
> > I have will power.  I shall resist.
> >
> > Oh...shiny paper.
>
> Hee - you're hopeless. And I think I like that.
>
> Although I probably shouldn’t confess that I just thought 'wonder
> if a tub of glitter gel to make me shiny ...'
 
Meep.  *Oliver zones out for a few minutes.*  Oh God, we've *got* to do
that.  Body paint!  Well, maybe not this trip.  But....yeah.  Oh, that's
pervy isn't it?  Oops.
 
> > > > The bike has yet to tell it's name. :D
> >
> > Fred.
>
> Your bike's called Fred?
>
> Why?
 
I have no idea.  It's just....Fred.  And I don't even know if it's Winifred
or Frederick.
 
> > Hope the rain cleared off and you managed to find something to
> > eat.  Avoid drinking too much waiting for the rain to stop. :P
>
> The canteen was shut, the burger bar is rank, so I drank my
> dinner. Oops. It was Guinness though, so contained actual *stuff*
 
Mmm.  Guinness.  Yum.  I think I'd have been tempted to drink my supper, too.
 
> > I'm going to finish packing for Wednesday--all the dry cleaning is ready
> > to go, just need to wait until Tuesday night for the other stuff.
>
> Organized guy ;)
 
Overly ready to catch the plane guy.
 
> > Once that's done I'll get supper on and tidy this place up, then I'm
> > settling in with To Kill A Mockingbird (again--love this book), and off
> > to bed at a reasonable hour.
>
> You like To Kill A Mockingbird?  I'll be honest and say that I've not read
> it since school. How come it's on your favourite books list? I mean - what
> is it about it, not 'defend your choice', sort of 'how come'.
 
Well, the first time I read it I went in cold.  I knew *nothing* about the
story and it sucked me in right away.  The writing is so tight--I can feel
the heat, the air, smell the flowers.  Taste the dust.  The tension in the
courtroom and the 'side story' about the house next door--it's got a really
ethereal feel to it, pure escapism.  I like that the POV is a child's, like
that we see the world from young eyes.  I like that it's laid out on her
level and if you pay attention you can pick up on the racial tension of the
adults, the tension that comes from living in the South in the summer in
that time.  I like the legal bits, the secretiveness that's masked as
manners, the freedom that the children think they have.
 
I just really get lost in it. :D
 
> I'm tired - I don’t know if this is making a lot of sense. I should go
> home - maybe even go to bed. It's only early, but it feels like it's way
> later than it is.
 
God, Tom.  I want to hold you in my arms and stroke your hair. I want to
whisper to you as you fall asleep next to me, hear you breathe.  Want to make
you feel better, make you feel like I'm someone you can count on to be there
when you need me. But I can't. Not yet.
 
Fuck.
 
Tom, I...I hope you sleep well.
 
> > Your Oliver.
>
> I like seeing that - hearing that. Like that maybe it's true.
 
Maybe?  Tom, it's true.  Right now.  I am yours.
 
Your Oliver.
 
Yours.
 
 
 
To: Oliver Kurland [rkurls @ pdc.com}
From: Thomas Moorfield
Sent: Tuesday 8.48am
 
Hey,
 
And no, the time stamp's not lying - I got home yesterday, zoned out in
front of the TV for about an hour, and then went to bed and slept like the
dead. Woke up with the birds this morning though.  Put it this way, I've
done a load of laundry and draped it artistically around my room to dry,
cooked an actual cooked breakfast, and washed up after myself, and cycled
the long way in to Uni and it's still not quite 9am!
 
Feeling significantly more together this morning, too. This helped--coming
in and finding mail from you. Thank you, Oliver, for being here, and not
running away. You keep doing that. I'm  - I'm really glad that you do.
 
> > All clear.
>
> *Cheers*  Of course it was fine.  Nice to have someone with you, though.
> Hugs to Becka.
 
I'll pass that along - wonder what she'll say. ;)
 
> > I don't even know why I was worried about it. And I trust you not to be
> > making up your results, so: good to go.
>
> Okay.  I guess we're...ready then.  All we need is to be in the same room.
> Two days.
 
Tomorrow!
 
> > Becka thinks it's the weirdest thing, all this planning ahead and
> > testing and stuff, but I guess it's different for her.
>
> Yeah.  Though I firmly believe everyone should make sure their partners
> are clean, even if they aren't in high risk groups--just seems like straight
> people don't have to think about it as much.
 
Becka's a pretty sorted girl; not the kind to take stupid risks and stuff, but
yeah: her first thought, obviously, is that it's about not getting
pregnant, but - well - it's not like it's "the gay plague", is it? Not to
mention all the other icky things that aren't AIDS.  It was an -
interesting - conversation. I wonder if some of the 'gay men are all sluts'
thing doesn’t tie in to gay men taking getting tested seriously, and that
being associated with straight people, who maybe only worry about that stuff
if they're really promiscuous?  I know she was surprised when I told her how
many guys I'd been with - and that's *with* her knowing about Kay and that
there's been no one since.
 
> > Four pints, no meal, and a conversation with my mother last thing does
> > not make for a good night's sleep.
>
> Want to hug you.
 
Want to be hugged.
 
Tomorrow.
 
God - tomorrow!
 
> > God - Oliver? I'm really sorry - I shouldn't be worrying you, and
> > I probably shouldn't be putting all my problems on your shoulders, and
> > expecting you to be there.
>
> Um.  Hello?  Care about you.  This is exactly the sort of thing you
> *should* be doing.  I'm the one you should be expecting to be there for you--I'm
> your partner.  I'm *supposed* to be your sounding board.  Your comfort.
 
I'm - I'm sorry. Shouldn't push you away - didn't mean to - don't want to.
Want to - want to share everything, good and bad, with you. Chalk it up to
me taking baby steps? 'Cos you keep still being here, and it's getting
easier and easier to believe.
 
> > My mum's had a routine test come back borderline: something that might
> > or might not be cancer, basically.
>
> Ah shit.  I'm sorry.  She must be scared.  You must be as well.
 
This sounds like some TV chat show therapy kick, but: it's ok to be scared,
right? She's my *mum*.
 
> > It wouldn't be a big deal, only I think she's scared. My mum shouldn't
> > be scared. Makes her dangerously fragile, you know?
>
> Yeah.  Parents are supposed to be strong and durable and there to take
> care of *us* if we need them.
 
That's pretty much it, yeah. And of my parents, my mum more than my dad.
I've had time to get used to the idea that my dad's not perfect since I came
out - that he hurts and cries and is painfully human, but my mum? She's like
the Duracell bunny - she just keeps on keeping on.
 
> > I told her about you - that you make me happy, and that you're coming
> > this week, and a little bit about who you are.  I think maybe the only
> > words she heard were 'older' and 'Boston'.  Told me to be careful, not
> > to get distracted from my finals, not to get my heart broken, basically.
>
> That's...good.  That's all good mom stuff.  Really.  She's worried and
> trying to be supportive of something she doesn't understand.
 
She's working on it - I think she’s pretty much accepted that this is so,
that I am gay, and that it's not going to go away, but yeah - not sure she
really *understands* it - just that I'm still her son, and at the end of the
day her son being happy is more important than her son living out the
script.
 
Oliver - this is where I want to be able to hug you, too. This can't be the
easiest subject for you, with things with your mum being how they are. Sorry
if it's stirring over bad stuff. You want me to shut up? Just tell me, ok?
 
> I'm sorry--I'm really sort of going on a wing and a prayer here--I don't
> know what to say.  I don't know what you need to hear.  Your family is
> different from mine, and I can only guess what she's thinking.
 
You're listening to me, talking to me, I don't know if they're the right
things, but it feels like it's helping. I'm just sorry, because this can't
be easy for you.
 
> > I guess it was a bit much to ask her to be happy for me unreservedly.
> > Still: the family knows now, and she said that you sound nice, and so long as I'm
> > happy.
 
> Okay.  It's good that she's trying to be happy that you're happy.  It's
> good that she trusts your judgement.
 
It is. You're the first guy I've told them about. I'm glad she didn't
completely climb the walls just at the abstract idea made concrete, you
know?
 
> > I talked to Becka about some of it: the mum being maybe ill part,
> > mostly, and I know it's just me realising that she's human and fallible, and
> > probably going to die one day - even if this current thing is nothing
> > serious - and - I just don't want to be thinking about issues of
> > mortality, basically.
>
> No one likes to think about that, Tom.  And sometimes it comes out of
> nowhere like this and you find yourself having to face it.  I'm sorry.
> God, I want...want to tell you everything is going to be fine forever.  That
> she's fine (which she probably is), and that she'll always be there.
 
Buffy quote moment: lie to me?
 
I'll deal. We'll see what actually happens, and then we'll deal with it.
 
> > I said I'd be honest though, so ... honestly? This is one of those times
> > when I really really really wish you weren't in Boston and you were
> > here, because I want to be held. I want someone to hold me and tell me
> > it's going to be ok.
>
> I know.  I know.
>
> This is...hard.  This is what being apart is.  This is the worst part of
> being like this.
 
This - sucks. But at the same time, Oliver, thank you. Makes a huge
difference having someone to talk to, even with the time delay. Becka's good
people, but there's just layers and layers that she doesn't get. And she's
not you.
 
> This is the tough part, and I'll understand if it's too much.  It'll damn
> near wreck me, but I'll understand.
 
Fuck - Oliver? No. Please. Just ...
 
God, no. I -   I have no idea what I'm trying to say.
 
Don't go? I'm sorry?
 
That was what you meant, isn't it--that maybe it's too hard and we should
give up? Because that just makes something knot up hurting in my chest. I
don't want to give up - on you - on us. I want - I want this to work. I want
you to come over here, and for it to be great, and for you to go home with
both of us knowing better where we stand, and looking forward to the next
month, and the phone calls, and the emails. I want one day to be able to come
over and visit you ... Want to see where this goes.  OK, so going to bed
alone kind of sucks sometimes, but going to bed alone after not being able
to talk to anyone who understands is a whole lot less fun.
 
There's a big part of me that really wants to phone you, right now this
second, and talk to you - somehow I suspect that ringing you at what, 3am?
might not be the most caring thing to do. I guess I'm panicking a little,  I
don't want us to stop - don't want you thinking that I might. Don't want you
thinking that maybe you should go 'for my own good' or any other line you
can think of.
 
God, but this is hard to write. Unless you think that it's too much for you,
that it's going to make you miserable. I - I don't want you to be miserable.
 
> > And for that someone not to think I'm a great pansy poof for wanting
> > that.
>
> No one would think that you were a 'great pansy poof' for wanting support
> from your boyfriend, Tom.  It's what partners are for.
 
Imagine me just totally abandoning dignity, and throwing myself at you,
holding on tight. Not letting go.
 
> > OK: officially changing the subject for a while.
 
I'd hit send, but - you are not going to be checking your email at 3am
either. So I shall carry on, and change the subject back to lighter topics
once more.
 
> > You really have taken to the bike thing, haven't you? - That's cool ;)
>
> Yeah, I have, but to be totally honest I'm scared that if I stop for too
> long my muscles will seize up and I won't be able to walk up the stairs.
:P
 
I did not just chuckle a little. Similarly, I am not imagining your legs.
 
> > Everyone feels it: it's just a slightly different work out to a static
> > bike - plus you're more likely to keep going longer. Hot baths, and
> > boyfriends with massaging hands are recommended. (Yes that's an offer for
> > when you get here.)
>
> Oh thank God.  I'm going to hold you to that.
 
Deal.
 
> > > You want shower sex or a blow job first?  ;-)
> >
> > Just want you.
>
> Yes.  Naked, clothed, doesn't matter.  Just need to see you.  Hold onto
> you. Touch you, talk to you, let you see me.  Let me see you.
 
Yes.
 
Please. Yes.
 
Tomorrow!
 
> > > > Yeeees, but Koine Industries does have a web page, and a staff
> > > > directory ... I could probably track it down.
> > >
> > > Oh, sneaky.  You track her down, you can ask anything you want.  ;-)
> >
> > Deal.
> >
> > Of course I should be working for my final papers and so forth and not
> > trying to hunt down your PA on the net ..
>
> *sigh*  jknotter @ koine.com  Or, I could bring one with me.
 
Thank you. ;) And if you bring a copy, I won't bug her - on that subject.
I don't want her 'losing' your plane tickets or anything.
 
> > > Heeee!  But at least my helmet matches.  Accessories are very
> > > important.  :P
> >
> > Oh yes: what colour did you get then?
>
> Blue.  Nice sort of dusky blue with black.
 
Ohhh - my favourite. ;)
 
> > > Oh...shiny paper.
> >
> > Hee - you're hopeless. And I think I like that.
> >
> > Although I probably shouldn’t confess that I just thought 'wonder
> > if a tub of glitter gel to make me shiny ...'
>
> Meep.  *Oliver zones out for a few minutes.*  Oh God, we've *got* to do
> that.  Body paint!  Well, maybe not this trip.  But....yeah.  Oh, that's
> pervy isn't it?  Oops.
 
Well - not so pervy that it's panicking me. ;)  It's simple logic really.
Oliver likes shiny. I want Oliver to like me. Add shiny ;)
 
> > > I'm going to finish packing for Wednesday--all the dry cleaning is
> > > ready to go, just need to wait until Tuesday night for the other stuff.
> >
> > Organized guy. ;)
>
> Overly ready to catch the plane guy.
 
What time are you heading off to the airport tomorrow?  [Tomorrow? It might
even be tonight?]
 
You remembered everything you need? I have no intention of wasting time
running around looking for a spare laptop for you or whatever if it can be
avoided.
 
> > You like To Kill A Mockingbird?  I'll be honest and say that I've not
> > read it since school. How come it's on your favourite books list? I mean -
> > what is it about it, not 'defend your choice', sort of 'how come'.
>
> Well, the first time I read it I went in cold.  I knew *nothing* about the
> story and it sucked me in right away.  The writing is so tight--I can feel
> the heat, the air, smell the flowers.  Taste the dust.  The tension in the
> courtroom and the 'side story' about the house next door--it's got a
> really ethereal feel to it, pure escapism.  I like that the POV is a child's,
> like that we see the world from young eyes.  I like that it's laid out on her
> level and if you pay attention you can pick up on the racial tension of
> the adults, the tension that comes from living in the South in the summer in
> that time.  I like the legal bits, the secretiveness that's masked as
> manners, the freedom that the children think they have.
>
> I just really get lost in it. :D
 
That's - very cool.  Thank you for telling me.
 
> God, Tom.  I want to hold you in my arms and stroke your hair. I want to
> whisper to you as you fall asleep next to me, hear you breathe.  Want to
> make you feel better, make you feel like I'm someone you can count on to be
> there when you need me. But I can't. Not yet.
>
> Fuck.
 
Oliver, you were there - are there. Don't underestimate yourself. Not that
I don't wish you could be here, could have been here, but - you were still
there for me. I'm not sure that sentence makes any sense. You make me feel
like I can tell you anything, and that you'll be in my corner. I think I am
getting to count on that.
 
> > > Your Oliver.
> >
> > I like seeing that - hearing that. Like that maybe it's true.
>
> Maybe?  Tom, it's true.  Right now.  I am yours.
>
> Your Oliver.
>
> Yours.
 
Mine
 
Still mine?  Still yours?
 
I know you're going to be here tomorrow, but, if you get a chance, can you
email me? I think I may still be being high-maintenance boy.
 
I miss you, and I'm going to try really hard to get shed loads of work done
today, because tomorrow you'll be here!
 
Your Tom.
************************
"God-like aliens...man do I hate God-like aliens! I'll trade a critter for a
God-like alien any day!"
 
 
 
To: Thomas Moorfield
From: Oliver Kurland [rkurls @ pdc.com}
Sent: Tuesday, 906am
 
Hey Tom,
 
> > > All clear.
> >
> > *Cheers*  Of course it was fine.  Nice to have someone with you, though.
> > Hugs to Becka.
>
> I'll pass that along - wonder what she'll say. ;)
 
Let me know. :P
 
> > > I don't even know why I was worried about it. And I trust you
> > > not to be making up your results, so: good to go.
> >
> > Okay.  I guess we're...ready then.  All we need is to be in the
> > same room. Two days.
>
> Tomorrow!
 
Twenty seven hours.
 
> > > Becka thinks it's the weirdest thing, all this planning ahead and
> > > testing and stuff, but I guess it's different for her.
> >
> > Yeah.  Though I firmly believe everyone should make sure their partners
> > are clean, even if they aren't in high risk groups--just seems like
> > straight people don't have to think about it as much.
>
> Becka's a pretty sorted girl; not the kind to take stupid risks and
> stuff, but yeah: her first thought, obviously, is that it's about not
> getting pregnant, but - well - it's not like it's "the gay plague", is it? Not to
> mention all the other icky things that aren't AIDS.  It was an -
> interesting - conversation. I wonder if some of the 'gay men are
> all sluts' thing doesn’t tie in to gay men taking getting tested seriously,
> and that being associated with straight people, who maybe only worry about
> that stuff if they're really promiscuous?  I know she was surprised when I
> told her how many guys I'd been with - and that's *with* her knowing about
> Kay and that there's been no one since.
 
I promise not to get you pregnant.
 
Was she surprised you'd been with two guys she didn't know about,
or--following from the all gay men are sluts thing--was she surprised there
wasn't more?
 
> > > Four pints, no meal, and a conversation with my mother last thing does
> > > not make for a good night's sleep.
> >
> > Want to hug you.
>
> Want to be hugged.
>
> Tomorrow.
>
> God - tomorrow!
 
Yes!  *Oliver tries very hard not to dance in the office.*
 
> > > God - Oliver? I'm really sorry - I shouldn't be worrying you, and
> > > I probably shouldn't be putting all my problems on your shoulders, and
> > > expecting you to be there.
> >
> > Um.  Hello?  Care about you.  This is exactly the sort of thing you
> > *should* be doing.  I'm the one you should be expecting to be there for
> > you--I'm your partner.  I'm *supposed* to be your sounding board.  Your comfort.
>
> I'm - I'm sorry. shouldn't push you away - didn't mean to - don't want to.
> Want to - want to share everything, good and bad, with you. Chalk it up to
> me taking baby steps? 'Cos you keep still being here, and it's getting
> easier and easier to believe.
 
Baby steps are good. :-)  Nerves are fine, too.  I just want you to believe
that I'm here for you, and it's okay to tell me these things.
 
I'm...I want to be someone you can lean on.
 
> > > My mum's had a routine test come back borderline: something
> > > that might or might not be cancer, basically.
> >
> > Ah shit.  I'm sorry.  She must be scared.  You must be as well.
>
> This sounds like some TV chat show therapy kick, but: it's ok to
> be scared, right? She's my *mum*.
 
Of course it's okay to be scared.  Really really.  I'd worry if you weren't
scared.
 
> > That's...good.  That's all good mom stuff.  Really.  She's worried and
> > trying to be supportive of something she doesn't understand.
>
> She's working on it - I think she’s pretty much accepted that this is so,
> that I am gay, and that it's not going to go away, but yeah - not sure she
> really *understands* it - just that I'm still her son, and at the
> end of the day her son being happy is more important than her son living
> out the script.
>
> Oliver - this is where I want to be able to hug you, too. This can't be the
> easiest subject for you, with things with your mum being how they
> are. Sorry if it's stirring over bad stuff. You want me to shut up? Just
> tell me, ok?
 
Don't shut up.  Yeah, it brought a flash of "Why couldn't my mom think like
that?", but I've been dealing with that for a while now.  My mom found it
easier to believe that I'm...evil....than to question her religion.  I'm
just not as important to her, or she isn't strong enough to love me and
rethink what she's been taught.
 
But your mom?  That's the way moms are supposed to be.  You're her baby, her
son.  She loves you, and even though this is confusing and scary to her,
she'll always love you.
 
That's wonderful and good, and please hold onto it.  For both of us.
 
> > I'm sorry--I'm really sort of going on a wing and a prayer here--I don't
> > know what to say.  I don't know what you need to hear.  Your family is
> > different from mine, and I can only guess what she's thinking.
>
> You're listening to me, talking to me, I don't know if they're the right
> things, but it feels like it's helping. I'm just sorry, because this can't
> be easy for you.
 
Just want to do what you need.  I'd do anything for you, Tom.
 
> > Okay.  It's good that she's trying to be happy that you're happy.  It's
> > good that she trusts your judgement.
>
> It is. You're the first guy I've told them about. I'm glad she didn't
> completely climb the walls just at the abstract idea made concrete, you
> know?
 
Yeah, she's doing well.
 
You never told them about Kay?
 
> > > I talked to Becka about some of it: the mum being maybe ill part,
> > > mostly, and I know it's just me realising that she's human and
> > > fallible, and probably going to die one day - even if this current thing is nothing
> > > serious - and - I just don't want to be thinking about issues of
> > > mortality, basically.
> >
> > No one likes to think about that, Tom.  And sometimes it comes out of
> > nowhere like this and you find yourself having to face it.  I'm sorry.
> > God, I want...want to tell you everything is going to be fine forever.
> > That she's fine (which she probably is), and that she'll always be there.
>
> Buffy quote moment: lie to me?
 
She's going to be fine, always.  (Aside from the always implying that both
you and she are going to live forever, it isn't a lie.  She will be fine,
Tom.  I'm sure of it.)
 
> I'll deal. We'll see what actually happens, and then we'll deal with it.
 
Yes, we will.
 
> > > I said I'd be honest though, so ... honestly? This is one of
> > > those times when I really really really wish you weren't in Boston and
> > > you were here, because I want to be held. I want someone to hold me and tell me
> > > it's going to be ok.
> >
> > I know.  I know.
> >
> > This is...hard.  This is what being apart is.  This is the worst part of
> > being like this.
>
> This - sucks. But at the same time, Oliver, thank you. Makes a huge
> difference having someone to talk to, even with the time delay.
> Becka's good people, but there's just layers and layers that she doesn't
> get. And she's not you.
>
> > This is the tough part, and I'll understand if it's too much.
> > It'll damn near wreck me, but I'll understand.
>
> Fuck - Oliver? No. Please. Just ...
>
> God, no. I -   I have no idea what I'm trying to say.
>
> Don't go? I'm sorry?
 
I'm not going anywhere, and don't be sorry.  You feel what you feel--I was
just offering the alternative, if it's too hard.
 
> That was what you meant, isn't it: that maybe it's too hard and we should
> give up?
 
Not give up, so much as....well, maybe you were starting to see that being
apart can be very bad; you deserve to have someone right there for you, Tom.
 
> Because that just makes something knot up hurting in my chest. I
> don't want to give up - on you - on us. I want - I want this to
> work.
 
Even if it means that there are other times we have to deal with crap on our
own, hurting on top of it 'cause we're apart?
 
> I want you to come over here, and for it to be great, and for you to go
> home with both of us knowing better where we stand, and looking
> forward to the next month, and the phone calls, and the emails. I want
> one day to be able to come over and visit you ... Want to see where
> this goes.  OK, so going to bed alone kind of sucks sometimes, but
> going to bed alone after not being able to talk to anyone who understands
> is a whole lot less fun.
 
Yeah, it is.  There's *apart* and *alone*...the two aren't really the same
thing, are they?
 
> There's a big part of me that really wants to phone you, right now this
> second, and talk to you - somehow I suspect that ringing you at
> what, 3am? might not be the most caring thing to do.
 
God, you should have called, love.
 
> I guess I'm panicking a little,  I don't want us to stop - don't want you
> thinking that I might. Don't want you thinking that maybe you should go
> 'for my own good' or any other line you can think of.
 
Well, I certainly wouldn't let you go because I think it's for *my* own
good.
 
I need you, Tom.  I want you in my life, want to know that you're a part of
me that just happens to live somewhere else at the moment.
 
I want to be with you.
 
> God, but this is hard to write. Unless you think that it's too
> much for you, that it's going to make you miserable. I - I don't want you
> to be miserable.
 
I'd be miserable without you.  Without your e-mails, your calls, your voice
in my head.  Without knowing you're waiting to see me.
 
> > No one would think that you were a 'great pansy poof' for
> > wanting support from your boyfriend, Tom.  It's what partners are for.
>
> Imagine me just totally abandoning dignity, and throwing myself at you,
> holding on tight. Not letting go.
 
Not letting go here, either.
 
> > > OK: officially changing the subject for a while.
>
> I'd hit send, but - you are not going to be checking your email at 3am
> either. So I shall carry on, and change the subject back to lighter topics
> once more.
 
Which will save me from replying to another e-mail right after this one...
 
> > > You really have taken to the bike thing, haven't you?  That's cool ;)
> >
> > Yeah, I have, but to be totally honest I'm scared that if I stop for too
> > long my muscles will seize up and I won't be able to walk up the stairs.
> >:P
>
> I did not just chuckle a little. Similarly, I am not imagining your legs.
 
I have very nice legs.  They go from my hips to my feet, and are rather
strong.  Sort of pale though--I need to spend more time outside.
 
> > > Of course I should be working for my final papers and so forth and not
> > > trying to hunt down your PA on the net ..
> >
> > *sigh*  jknotter @ koine.com  Or, I could bring one with me.
>
> Thank you. ;)  And if you bring a copy, I won't bug her - on that subject.
> I don't want her 'losing' your plane tickets or anything.
 
Heh.  I snatched them off her desk on my way in.  Good thing too--I thought
I had a late red eye, but it looks like I'll have to leave work early to get
my stuff together.
 
> > > Oh yes: what colour did you get then?
> >
> > Blue.  Nice sort of dusky blue with black.
>
> Ohhh - my favourite ;)
 
Really? :D  Cool.
 
> > > Although I probably shouldn’t confess that I just thought 'wonder
> > > if a tub of glitter gel to make me shiny ...'
> >
> > Meep.  *Oliver zones out for a few minutes.*  Oh God, we've *got* to do
> > that.  Body paint!  Well, maybe not this trip.  But....yeah.  Oh, that's
> > pervy isn't it?  Oops.
>
> Well - not so pervy that it's panicking me. ;)  It's simple logic really.
> Oliver likes shiny. I want Oliver to like me. Add shiny. ;)
 
Mind if I drool a little?
 
> > > > I'm going to finish packing for Wednesday--all the dry cleaning is
> > > > ready to go, just need to wait until Tuesday night for the other
> > > > stuff.
> > >
> > > Organized guy. ;)
> >
> > Overly ready to catch the plane guy.
>
> What time are you heading off to the airport tomorrow?
> [Tomorrow? It might even be tonight?]
 
Tonight!!  Flight leaves at 8:40, so I have to be there around six thirty,
which means I have to leave the office at four to finish panicking, I mean
packing, and then....wooo.
 
Two hour layover in New York City, then I'm headed right to you.  I promise
to sleep on the plane.
 
> You remembered everything you need? I have no intention of wasting time
> running around looking for a spare laptop for you or whatever if it can be
> avoided.
 
I have a list.  A very detailed list.
 
Aside from the Palm, cell and laptop, everything else work related is being
crated as we speak and will be taken to the airport just after lunch.
 
Brett just stuck his head in and asked me if I remembered to buy supplies.  I
had no idea what he meant until he threw a box of ribbed condoms at me and
laughed.
 
I promise he won't hurt you, and if I can I'll keep him out of the way
altogether.
 
He thinks he's very funny.
 
Oh, Janet is sending something with me for you.  It's wrapped.  I'm scared.
 
And I have to run out at lunch to pick something up.
 
Ummmm...perv moment, brace yourself:  ever been blindfolded?
 
Okay, I deleted that and retyped it three times.  Leaving it now.
 
> > > You like To Kill A Mockingbird?  I'll be honest and say that I've not
> > > read it since school. How come it's on your favourite books list? I
> > > mean - what is it about it, not 'defend your choice', sort of 'how come'.
 
<<<snippity snip>>>
 
> > I just really get lost in it. :D
>
> That's - very cool.  Thank you for telling me.
 
So, what's your favourite book?
 
> > God, Tom.  I want to hold you in my arms and stroke your hair. I want to
> > whisper to you as you fall asleep next to me, hear you breathe.  Want to
> > make you feel better, make you feel like I'm someone you can count on to
> > be there when you need me. But I can't. Not yet.
> >
> > Fuck.
>
> Oliver: you were there - are there. Don't underestimate yourself. Not that
> I don't wish you could be here, could have been here, but - you were still
> there for me. I'm not sure that sentence makes any sense. You make me feel
> like I can tell you anything, and that you'll be in my corner. I think I am getting
> to count on that.
 
Please?  God, I want to say so many things, but the words won't come to me.
Maybe you'll see it in my eyes, my face.  Feel it in my hands.
 
> > Your Oliver.
> >
> > Yours.
>
> Mine
>
> Still mine?  Still yours?
 
Still mine.  Still yours.
 
> I know you're going to be here tomorrow, but, if you get a chance, can you
> email me? I think I may still be being high-maintenance boy.
 
E-mail, check.  Nerves, check.  Mandatory fantasy, check.  (Did that one
this morning in the shower.)  Affection and caring, check.
 
Yours.
 
> I miss you, and I'm going to try really hard to get shed loads of
> work done today, because tomorrow you'll be here!
 
I?  Am getting nothing done.  I can't think right, can't see anything but
you.
 
If you have time, send me note before....three my time, so eight yours.
 
See you tomorrow, Tom.
 
Your Oliver.
 
 
 
To: Oliver Kurland [rkurls @ pdc.com}
From: Thomas Moorfield
Sent: Tuesday 12.57 pm
 
Oliver,
 
You take my breath away - and you are going to be here so soon.
 
Travel safely, and I'll see you soon.
 
Your
 
Tom
************************
"God-like aliens...man do I hate God-like aliens! I'll trade a critter for a
God-like alien any day!"
 
 
 
To: Oliver Kurland [rkurls @ pdc.com}
From: Thomas Moorfield
Sent: Tuesday 12.59 pm
 
Ok, now I've made sure that there will be something in your mailbox for you:
a proper reply.
 
> > > Okay.  I guess we're...ready then.  All we need is to be in the
> > > same room. Two days.
> >
> > Tomorrow!
>
> Twenty seven hours.
 
I am, actually, having to try really hard not to bounce.
 
Chesterfield Mayfair, 5 pm, tomorrow.
 
I've got my route planned, the map printed out, all set.
 
I’ll be coming into town via the house, so-- phone me to let me know the
plane landed, ok?
 
> I promise not to get you pregnant.
 
Thank you. ;)
 
> Was she surprised you'd been with two guys she didn't know about,
> or--following from the all gay men are sluts thing--was she surprised
> there wasn't more?
 
Surprised that there hadn't been more, I think. Not in a nasty way, just one
of those assumptions she'd never really actually thought about.
 
> > I'm - I'm sorry. shouldn't push you away - didn't mean to - don't want
> > to. Want to - want to share everything, good and bad, with you. Chalk it up
> > to me taking baby steps? 'Cos you keep still being here, and it's getting
> > easier and easier to believe.
>
> Baby steps are good. :-)  Nerves are fine, too.  I just want you to
> believe that I'm here for you, and it's okay to tell me these things.
>
> I'm...I want to be someone you can lean on.
 
I'm going to try and stop saying sorry now. I am so glad I can lean on you,
and I want to be someone you can lean on, too.
 
How's that?
 
> > Oliver - this is where I want to be able to hug you, too. This can't be
> > the easiest subject for you, with things with your mum being how they
> > are. Sorry if it's stirring over bad stuff. You want me to shut up? Just
> > tell me, ok?
>
> Don't shut up.  Yeah, it brought a flash of "Why couldn't my mom think
> like that?", but I've been dealing with that for a while now.  My mom found it
> easier to believe that I'm...evil....than to question her religion.  I'm
> just not as important to her, or she isn't strong enough to love me and
> rethink what she's been taught.
 
I am beyond sorry that this is so. I can't imagine how anyone could think
you weren’t important.
 
> But your mom?  That's the way moms are supposed to be.  You're her baby,
> her son.  She loves you, and even though this is confusing and scary to her,
> she'll always love you.
>
> That's wonderful and good, and please hold onto it.  For both of us.
 
I'll try - and she's trying - and so long as she doesn't up and die on me
...  There's a happy ending here somewhere where you and her get on like a
house on fire.
 
> > It is. You're the first guy I've told them about. I'm glad she didn't
> > completely climb the walls just at the abstract idea made concrete, you
> > know?
>
> Yeah, she's doing well.
>
> You never told them about Kay?
 
No. It just didn’t come up, and then it went bad, and it just didn't seem -
I don’t quite know why not, I just never did.
 
> > Buffy quote moment: lie to me?
>
> She's going to be fine, always.  (Aside from the always implying that both
> you and she are going to live forever, it isn't a lie.  She will be fine,
> Tom.  I'm sure of it.)
 
Fingers crossed.
 
> > I'll deal. We'll see what actually happens, and then we'll deal with it.
>
> Yes, we will.
 
This is me swallowing a sudden lump in my throat - I - I like what that
implies, Oliver.
 
> > > This is the tough part, and I'll understand if it's too much.
> > > It'll damn near wreck me, but I'll understand.
> >
> > Fuck - Oliver? No. Please. Just ...
> >
> > God, no. I -   I have no idea what I'm trying to say.
> >
> > Don't go? I'm sorry?
>
> I'm not going anywhere, and don't be sorry.  You feel what you feel--I was
> just offering the alternative, if it's too hard.
 
Scary, isn't it? What, a month down the line and it would be harder
without you.
 
> > That was what you meant, isn't it: that maybe it's too hard and we
> > should give up?
>
> Not give up, so much as....well, maybe you were starting to see that being
> apart can be very bad; you deserve to have someone right there for you,
> Tom.
 
As do you, but geography is a pain in the arse, and - I'd still rather have
you.
 
> > Because that just makes something knot up hurting in my chest. I
> > don't want to give up - on you - on us. I want - I want this to
> > work.
>
> Even if it means that there are other times we have to deal with crap on
> our own, hurting on top of it 'cause we're apart?
 
Yes.
 
I don't know what else to say.
 
Yes, even if we're apart most of the time.
 
> > OK, so going to bed alone kind of sucks sometimes, but going to
> > bed alone after not being able to talk to anyone who understands
> > is a whole lot less fun.
>
> Yeah, it is.  There's *apart* and *alone*...the two aren't really the same
> thing, are they?
 
I'm beginning to see that they're not.
 
> I need you, Tom.  I want you in my life, want to know that you're a part
> of me that just happens to live somewhere else at the moment.
>
> I want to be with you.
 
Oliver, you take my breath away.
 
I'm - I'm so glad you're going to be here so soon now.
 
> > I did not just chuckle a little. Similarly, I am not imagining your legs.
>
> I have very nice legs.  They go from my hips to my feet, and are rather
> strong.  Sort of pale though--I need to spend more time outside.
 
Mmmmm.
 
(One word: cycle shorts. Ok, so that's two words.)
 
Also: massage promises to be cashed in.
 
> > > > Of course I should be working for my final papers and so forth and
> > > > not trying to hunt down your PA on the net ..
> > >
> > > *sigh*  jknotter @ koine.com  Or, I could bring one with me.
> >
> > Thank you. ;)  And if you bring a copy, I won't bug her - on that
> > subject. I don't want her 'losing' your plane tickets or anything.
>
> Heh.  I snatched them off her desk on my way in.  Good thing too--I
> thought I had a late red eye, but it looks like I'll have to leave work early to
> get my stuff together.
>
 
Missing your plane would be *bad*, Oliver.
 
> > > > Although I probably shouldn’t confess that I just thought 'wonder
> > > > if a tub of glitter gel to make me shiny ...'
> > >
> > > Meep.  *Oliver zones out for a few minutes.*  Oh God, we've *got* to
> > > do that.  Body paint!  Well, maybe not this trip.  But....yeah.  Oh,
> > > that's pervy isn't it?  Oops.
> >
> > Well - not so pervy that it's panicking me. ;)  It's simple logic really.
> > Oliver likes shiny. I want Oliver to like me. Add shiny ;)
>
> Mind if I drool a little?
 
Feel free. ;)
 
> Tonight!!  Flight leaves at 8:40, so I have to be there around six thirty,
> which means I have to leave the office at four to finish panicking, I mean
> packing, and then....wooo.
>
> Two hour layover in New York City, then I'm headed right to you.  I
> promise to sleep on the plane.
 
No panicking, and a safe journey, Oliver.  Sweet dreams and all.
 
> Brett just stuck his head in and asked me if I remembered to buy supplies.
> I had no idea what he meant until he threw a box of ribbed condoms at me and
> laughed.
>
> I promise he won't hurt you, and if I can I'll keep him out of the way
> altogether.
 
Hee - I think I want to get a look at this guy ;)
 
> He thinks he's very funny.
 
I'm sure he does.
 
> Oh, Janet is sending something with me for you.  It's wrapped.  I'm
> scared.
 
Um - okay. That's - odd.
 
> And I have to run out at lunch to pick something up.
>
> Ummmm...perv moment, brace yourself:  ever been blindfolded?
>
> Okay, I deleted that and retyped it three times.  Leaving it now.
 
Ummm - no, but we're back at ‘I trust you’, aren't we?  For you I am
willing to try sushi - and, it would seem, blindfolds. But not
simultaneously.
 
> So, what's your favourite book?
 
I am a] a geek and b] not a literary type: Hitchhiker’s Guide.
 
> > Oliver: you were there - are there. Don't underestimate
> > yourself. Not that I don't wish you could be here, could have been here,
> > but - you were still there for me. I'm not sure that sentence makes
> > any sense. You make me feel like I can tell you anything, and that you'll
> > be in my corner. I think I am getting to count on that.
>
> Please?  God, I want to say so many things, but the words won't come to
> me. Maybe you'll see it in my eyes, my face.  Feel it in my hands.
 
I'm waiting for you.
 
> Still mine.  Still yours.
 
I could so get used to hearing that.
 
> E-mail, check.  Nerves, check.  Mandatory fantasy, check.  (Did that one
> this morning in the shower.)  Affection and caring, check.
 
You going to think about me on the plane, Oliver?
 
Ok - that was evil. ;)
 
> > I miss you, and I'm going to try really hard to get shed loads of
> > work done today, because tomorrow you'll be here!
>
> I?  Am getting nothing done.  I can't think right, can't see anything but
> you.
 
I have to get this stuff done, so I can see you. Off to my seminar any
moment - want not to waste time when I could be with you trying not to write
a Michael Moore-esq rant for this presentation ....
 
> See you tomorrow, Tom.
>
> Your Oliver.
 
I love those lines!
 
See you tomorrow!
 
Your Tom
************************
"God-like aliens...man do I hate God-like aliens! I'll trade a critter for a
God-like alien any day!"
 
 
 
To: Thomas Moorfield
From: Oliver Kurland [rkurls @ pdc.com}
Sent: Tuesday 1:34pm
 
Hey Tom,
 
Just going to reply to questions and blat a bit.  I've been bouncing all
day, and am sort of tangled in details at the moment.
 
> > Twenty seven hours.
>
> I am, actually, having to try really hard not to bounce.
>
> Chesterfield Mayfair, 5 pm, tomorrow.
>
> I've got my route planned, the map printed out, all set.
>
> I’ll be coming into town via the house, so:  phone me to let me know the
> plane landed ok?
 
Will do--I can call on the cell on my way to the hotel. :D
 
> > Baby steps are good. :-)  Nerves are fine, too.  I just want you to
> > believe that I'm here for you, and it's okay to tell me these things.
> >
> > I'm...I want to be someone you can lean on.
>
> I'm going to try and stop saying sorry now. I am so glad I can
> lean on you, and I want to be someone you can lean on, too.
>
> How's that?
 
Wonderful. :D  We're good.
 
> > Don't shut up.  Yeah, it brought a flash of "Why couldn't my mom think
> > like that?", but I've been dealing with that for a while now.  My
> > mom found it easier to believe that I'm...evil....than to question her
> > religion.  I'm just not as important to her, or she isn't strong enough to love me and
> > rethink what she's been taught.
>
> I am beyond sorry that this is so. I can't imagine how anyone could think
> you weren’t important.
 
We have a week of time together--we can hold each other and talk quietly in
the dark about all the things that matter, about what we want for each
other.
 
And thank you.
 
> > But your mom?  That's the way moms are supposed to be.  You're her baby,
> > her son.  She loves you, and even though this is confusing and scary to
> > her, she'll always love you.
> >
> > That's wonderful and good, and please hold onto it.  For both of us.
>
> I'll try - and she's trying - and so long as she doesn't up and die on me
> ...  There's a happy ending here somewhere where you and her get on like a
> house on fire.
 
She won't.  Even on the slight chance that there is something wrong,
treatments have come a very long way.  She *will* be fine.
 
> > > I'll deal. We'll see what actually happens, and then we'll deal with it.
> >
> > Yes, we will.
>
> This is me swallowing a sudden lump  in my throat - I - I like what that
> implies, Oliver.
 
I...I mean it, Tom.  We will deal with it.  Together.
 
> Scary, isn't it - What, a month down the line, and: it would be harder
> without you.
 
Yeah.  But more wonderful than scary. :-)
 
> > > That was what you meant, isn't it: that maybe it's too hard and we
> > > should give up?
> >
> > Not give up, so much as....well, maybe you were starting to see
> > that being apart can be very bad; you deserve to have someone right
> > there for you, Tom.
>
> As do you, but geography is a pain in the arse, and - I'd still
> rather have you.
 
God, I can't wait to see you.  I'd rather have this than not have you, too.
 
> > > Because that just makes something knot up hurting in my chest. I
> > > don't want to give up - on you - on us. I want - I want this to
> > > work.
> >
> > Even if it means that there are other times we have to deal with crap on
> > our own, hurting on top of it 'cause we're apart?
>
> Yes.
>
> I don't know what else to say.
>
> Yes, even if we're apart most of the time.
 
Okay.  We'll make this work.
 
> > Heh.  I snatched them off her desk on my way in.  Good thing too--I
> > thought I had a late red eye, but it looks like I'll have to leave work
> > early to get my stuff together.
>
> Missing your plane would be *bad*, Oliver.
 
God, I don't even want to imagine that.
 
> > Oh, Janet is sending something with me for you.  It's wrapped.  I'm
> > scared.
>
> Um - okay. That's - odd.
 
*She* is odd.  If it helps, it's very small, and her smile was more "heee"
than "Bwahahaha".
 
> > And I have to run out at lunch to pick something up.
> >
> > Ummmm...perv moment, brace yourself:  ever been blindfolded?
> >
> > Okay, I deleted that and retyped it three times.  Leaving it now.
>
> Ummm - no, but we're back at ‘I trust you’, aren't we?  For you I am
> willing to try sushi - and, it would seem, blindfolds. But not
> simultaneously.
 
LOL!  I will not make you eat raw fish while blindfolded.  Promise.
 
> > So, what's your favourite book?
>
> I am a] a geek and b] not a literary type: Hitchhiker’s Guide.
 
I've only read that about three times. :D
 
> > E-mail, check.  Nerves, check.  Mandatory fantasy, check.  (Did that one
> > this morning in the shower.)  Affection and caring, check.
>
> You going to think about me on the plane, Oliver?
>
> Ok - that was evil ;)
 
Oh man.  Do you have the faintest idea how hard it is to whack off discretely
on a plane?  Er... not that I've tried.  Ahem.
 
I'll be a basket case by the time we land.  I'll make it through supper, but
wandering around after may get cut short. :P
 
Okay.  Work a little more, then I'm out of here.
 
See you *soon*.
 
Your Oliver
 
 
 
To:  Thomas Moorfield
From: Oliver Kurland [rkurls @ pdc.com]
Sent: Tuesday, 3:46 pm
 
Tom,
 
Leaving for home now.
 
I'll be out of touch until I get the laptop hooked up in London, but by the
time I do that you'll be on your way to the hotel, so...
 
I’ll call the house when we land.
 
I'll see you tomorrow.
 
Your
Oliver
 
 
On to London