To : Oliver Kurland
From : Thomas Moorfield
Sent: Monday 6.13 pm

Think this should catch you before Toronto ... if not : welcome back.

> You sure?  Hate to spill my plans to the enemy.

Did I *look* like someone who routinely wears their pants over their
trousers?

> Dress code?  Dress if you want.  That's pretty much it.
>
> ..................................Umm.  Yeah, see the thing is?  Went out
> for a long Sunday brunch with some friends.  Much orange juice and
> champagne was involved.

I have to admit I did wonder ;)

> No leather?  I suppose I can work around that.

I don't have the excuse of champagne, but curiosity killed the cat and all
that not withstanding - leather kink? Or maybe I don't want to know.

> And no, in fact you are not old enough to be the advisor.  Wasn't batman's
> guy...Alfred? like really old?  You seem pretty spry to me.

I was thinking of the Overlord Rules : the one about appointing a five year
old as an advisor, and if he or she spot and flaws in the plan, fix them.  I
look younger than Alfred? Gee - thanks.

> it got a little ugly, yeah.  But it's okay now.  Well, mostly.  It doesn't
> hurt as much anyway.

You know, I still don’t know what to say. Sorry it had to be that way?

> And once one of the roomies had sex with his girl
> out there and they broke a chair.  I didn't ask for details.

Some things you just don’t want to think about too hard, right?

> And about sharing a room?  One learns to a) never ever bring anyone home
> b) hide the porn really well and c) be the first one to the shower.

I am having the hardest time imagining you saying that in person - guess
I've got you suited and booted in my memory, and it just doesn't fit. This
whole conversation has been sent by the ghost of Christmas past to teach me
that corporate suits are human too, isn't it?

> Uh, forget all that stuff.

Stuff? What stuff?

> > Very smooth. Um, you picked up on Kay being a guy then?
>
> Yeah.  Don't think I would have said anything other wise, not yet anyway.

Not *yet*?

I should probably have been more careful - but then again - oh I don't know.
It can't hurt for someone somewhere to know about him, right?

> Riiiiiiiight.  My tuna sandwich for supper is looking pretty yuck.  Maybe
> I'll order in.

You're kidding me right?  You're a cosmopolitan globe-trotting man - you've
got to be able to handle yourself in a kitchen a *bit*, surely? Enough to
have more options than that, anyway. [Although laziness and the lure of the
local Chinese does call to me a bit more often than it really should,
especially the state the kitchen's normally in]

> I hope not.  Still miss Peter sometimes.  Dumb, huh?

I don't think so. Or maybe we're both dumb?

> Do you hear from him at all?

I wish.

I kind of ended up being the bad guy - it's a long story, but no, I don't
hear from him, or of him - not really in touch with any of the people I knew
then any more.

> Yeah, US is pretty crap for vacation time actually.  Ten paid days a year
> is standard, though most companies will let you work your way up to twenty
> days over time.  I think I get like three weeks right now.

*stretches* mmmmm - three week Easter break right now .... ;P

Of course I've got coursework up to my eyebrows, but still - the weather's
good and I'm my own boss for the time being. Some of the student stuff I
will miss.

It's weird - the campus is pretty much deserted, and I've got this lab all
to myself.  I think I'll dump my bag back at home, and then take the bike
out for a spin through the park later - too nice a day to lose entirely to
the books.

> Don't think I'll ever make snazzy, but they do like it if I'm neat.  :P

You were looking pretty snazzy in London.

[I sound like an idiot - but you did.]

> Pushy people. Rather wear jeans and a fleece sweatshirt, but whatever they
> say....

Fuzzy - all hail whoever invented fleece.

> > You don't even wear spectacles ;)
>
> But you do.  :-)  Nice gold ones.

At the risk of sounding maudlin, Kay picked them out for me - shopping for
glasses is a bitch because you can't see what you look like in them until
they're done and paid for. Hang on - you remembered? You had to go read my
CV to remember what I'm studying but you remember my glasses?

> Yeah.  I mean, no, I didn't need to hear the 'me too,' (though it is nice
> to hear) I meant that the attitude wears.
>
> Did that make any sense?  I babble a little when I've had too much to
> drink.

It made sense. You should see me on caffeine and no sleep - I need a
*translator* at that point. ;)

> Wow, that's........wow.  Never did the societies in school.  Just didn't
> really like the vibe, sort of felt like I was putting myself on display.

Yeah - me and the GLB never really hit it off. I guess I needed to make that
statement when I came here, but - the reality of it - jeeze that was scary.
Politics and culture clash and just - a whole great big mess.

> LOL It was actually my cousin Tina's wedding  and I wasn't so much rude as
> a little full of myself and thought that the best way to come out was to be
> found in a dark corner kissing one of the ushers.

Points for style though!  Beats 'oh, by the way' anyway ;)  How old were
you?

> Yeah, KI frowns on that sort of thing.

Spoilsports.

> Thanks.  You didn't have to tell me.
>
> Is it weird that I'm glad you did?

Um - maybe?  It doesn't really feel weird, but I guess on paper ...

Let’s stick with first impressions - no, not weird. In fact I'm kind of glad
that you're not staring at the screen wondering who this freak is, throwing
his boring life story at you ...

> Yeah, sort of.  It's actually a two year contract, and there would still
> be some travel, but it's a new home base, and the operation there is smaller
> so who ever gets the job would be like third in command or something.  I
> don't stand a chance, but it sure would be nice.

How come you don't think you stand a chance? They must think you do a good
job to keep sending you out to represent them, right?  Two years in New
Zealand though - sounds like it'd be worth trying for. Or would that be the
final straw - up and moving away from all the friends that have seen you
through the globetrotting part?

> I have no idea where Ibiza is.  And that's weird.  For me, I mean.

You’d have no *reason* to know where Ibiza is - it's an island off Spain -
European clubbing Mecca - sun, sea, sand, and far far far too many drugs.
Think broiled tasteless tourists on a binge of massive dimensions.
*shudders*

> 'm not flaky.  Really.  Oh look, shiny........

LOL - ok, so that doesn't go with the suit either ;)

> Knowing what you want is good.  Going after it is better.
>
> I have to give a speech in Toronto.  Think I'm ready? ;-)

You sound full of motivational goodness.  Is that just sloganeering, or the
fruits of your years of experience, oh wise teacher?

[What are you doing in Toronto - or were doing - whichever]

> I don't like lawyer's much.
>
> Just sayin'.

Lawyers and Estate Agents : minions of the Devil.  It's a perfectly
reasonable dislike.

> Was trying to be subtle there and tell you I think you're cool, and I'm
> liking this whole e-mail thing.
>
> Now, I shall retreat with my dignity a little worse for where, but my head
> held high.

How about, I kick myself for being about as sensitive as a very short plank,
and you don't retreat?  Because - likewise.  Not what I was expecting to get
out of the careers fair, but definitely a positive outcome. How's that for
business speak?

Take care,

Tom

*********
Remember : You are not a salmon.



To:  Thomas Moorfield
From:  Oliver Kurland
Sent:  Monday 9:22pm

Hey Tom,

> Think this should catch you before Toronto ... if not : welcome back.

You did.  :-)  Fly out at 8:36--have to be at the airport by 6:30.  Which
means up at 4:30.  Ugh.

> Did I *look* like someone who routinely wears their pants over their
> trousers?

I tried very hard not to think about your pants.  Or where you wear them.

> > No leather?  I suppose I can work around that.
>
> I don't have the excuse of champagne, but curiosity killed the cat and all
> that not withstanding - leather kink? Or maybe I don't want to know.

No champagne here either, so I deleted my first answer to this in sheer
embarrassment.

Polite version would be that leather feels nice, and I've nothing against a
little friendly light bondage.  Not into the scene at all, not into the leather
clubs, just...right.  I'm going to leave it at that before I wind up
deleting again.

God, I'm blushing.  I didn't know I did that anymore.

> > And no, in fact you are not old enough to be the advisor.
> > Wasn't Batman's guy...Alfred? like really old?  You seem pretty spry to
> > me.
>
> I was thinking of the Overlord Rules : the one about appointing a
> five year old as an advisor, and if he or she spot and flaws in the plan,
> fix them.  I look younger than Alfred? Gee - thanks.

See?  It's a cultural thing, or at least lack of reading the same books or
watching the same shows.  :P  And yeah, you really do look younger than
Alfred.  :-)  heee

> > It got a little ugly, yeah.  But it's okay now.  Well, mostly.
> > It doesn't hurt as much anyway.
>
> You know, I still don’t know what to say. Sorry it had to be that way?

So am I, but it was what it was, and I've dealt with it mostly.  Still have
some trust issues, but I've been assured by people who've been where I was
that it gets better.

And hey, at least he got his own back.  (Why yes, I was glad when his boy
walked away from him.  Bad Oliver.  ;-) )

> > And once one of the roomies had sex with his girl
> > out there and they broke a chair.  I didn't ask for details.
>
> Some things you just don’t want to think about too hard, right?

God yes.  Some things are really better left unknown.

> I am having the hardest time imagining you saying that in person - guess
> I've got you suited and booted in my memory, and it just doesn't fit. This
> whole conversation has been sent by the ghost of Christmas past
> to teach me that corporate suits are human too, isn't it?

All too human at this time of night.  :-)  Talking about stuff like that
doesn't really happen when I'm in presentation gear.  Soft jeans and
sweater, sure.  Or when I happen to be separated from my
co-conversationalist by an ocean.  ;-)

> > Yeah.  Don't think I would have said anything other wise, not
> > yet anyway.
>
> Not *yet*?

Well, it's not something I hide, really.  I'm out at work--Janet keeps
trying to set me up with this guy she knows in our sister division in
Portland--and I tend to just let people figure it out.

Would have told you--wanted to tell you, but sometimes it's hard to work
into a conversation when you don't know what people's reactions are going to
be.  You all but said that Kay was someone really important, and he's a guy.
Made me feel pretty safe to let you know I'm gay; at the very least you
wouldn't send me hate mail.  :-)

> I should probably have been more careful - but then again - oh I
> don't know. It can't hurt for someone somewhere to know about him, right?

Exactly.

You sound like you don't have many people around you who would listen with
an open head, and if I'm wrong, please forgive the presumption.  If you want
to talk about him, your relationship...feel free.

> > Riiiiiiiight.  My tuna sandwich for supper is looking pretty
> > yuck.  Maybe I'll order in.
>
> You're kidding me right?  You're a cosmopolitan globe-trotting
> man - you've got to be able to handle yourself in a kitchen a *bit*,
> surely? Enough to have more options than that, anyway. [Although laziness and the
> lure of the local Chinese does call to me a bit more often than it really
> should, especially the state the kitchen's normally in]

Well, let's see.   I can do breakfast really well.  Any kind of eggs you
want, bacon, sausage, home fries, pancakes...you name it.  If it’s for
breakfast and not crepes, I'm all over it.

Sandwiches I can manage.  Steak also not a problem.  Salad, easy.  Can do
plain veggies.  Sauces defeat me, and I've never even tried to roast a
turkey, chicken or roast.

Did a leg of lamb once.  We don't talk about it.  ;-)

> > I hope not.  Still miss Peter sometimes.  Dumb, huh?
>
> I don't think so. Or maybe we're both dumb?

Nah, just healing.

> I kind of ended up being the bad guy - it's a long story, but no, I don't
> hear from him, or of him - not really in touch with any of the
> people I knew then any more.

Would you like to?  Hear from him, I mean.  Or would you be happy with just
letting him, it, the whole thing go?  It's hard, isn't it?

If it isn't too much--was he the first?  Love, I mean.  First love can be a
bitch to get past.

> > Yeah, US is pretty crap for vacation time actually.  Ten paid
> > days a year is standard, though most companies will let you work your
> > way up to twenty days over time.  I think I get like three weeks right now.
>
> *stretches* mmmmm - three week Easter break right now .... ;p

Twerp.  And I mean that in the nicest way possible.  Brat.

> It's weird - the campus is pretty much deserted, and I've got this lab all
> to myself.  I think I'll dump my bag back at home, and then take the bike
> out for a spin through the park later - too nice a day to loose entirely to
> the books.

Now *that* sounds wonderful.

> You were looking pretty snazzy in London.
>
> [I sound like an idiot - but you did.]

Really?  Thanks!  (Oh look, that blush came back.)

> > > You don't even wear spectacles ;)
> >
> > But you do.  :-)  Nice gold ones.
>
> At the risk of sounding maudlin, Kay picked them out for me - shopping for
> glasses is a bitch because you can't see what you look like in them until
> they're done and paid for. Hang on - you remembered? you had to go read my
> CV to remember what I'm studying but you remember my glasses?

Uh huh.  You're a little taller than me, and your hair is lighter, cut short
but with a bit of curl.  Your eyes are somewhere between brown and grey, a
you have a bit of a tan.  You looked really fit, but not muscle bound, and
you have a lovely smile.

You're entirely hot.

> > LOL It was actually my cousin Tina's wedding  and I wasn't so
> > much rude as a little full of myself and thought that the best
> > way to come out was to be found in a dark corner kissing one of the
> > ushers.
>
> Points for style though!  Beats 'oh, by the way' anyway ;)  How old were
> you?

Eighteen.  I'd known for a while, but I *hadn't* known the usher.  He was
about twenty, younger brother of the groom.  We were not popular with the
bride--we stole her show, apparently.

> Let’s stick with first impressions - no, not weird. In fact I'm
> kind of glad that you're not staring at the screen wondering who this
> freak is, throwing his boring life story at you ...

Heh.  No, not throwing anything, and you're not boring.

> > Yeah, sort of.  It's actually a two year contract, and there would still
> > be some travel, but it's a new home base, and the operation there
> > is smaller so who ever gets the job would be like third in command or
> > something.  I don't stand a chance, but it sure would be nice.
>
> How come you don't think you stand a chance? They must think you do a good
> job to keep sending you out to represent them, right?

Yeah, I'm good at what I do, I guess.

> Two years in New Zealand though - sounds like it'd be worth trying for. Or
> would that be the final straw - up and moving away from all the friends that
> have seen you through the globetrotting part?

Not so much that, though I think my father would get lost in the shuffle
unless he finally remembers to keep track of KI's address.  He can find me
through them, but he forgets.  Remind me to tell you about him at some
point, he's a trip.

Anyway, I think if I went for two years the people who I still want to
contact would be there--I can think of two offhand who would make it a point
to go there for a visit.

It's more that I'm only 26, right?  And I don't know if KI is ready to
promote someone to that level so young--it's a small base of operation, but
it would still put whoever got the job on the same level as the #3 guy in
Australia, which is a much bigger operation. They tend to keep all the
executive level positions to people who've been working for KI for a hundred
years.

But, don't know unless I try, right?

> > I have no idea where Ibiza is.  And that's weird.  For me, I mean.
>
> You’d have no *reason* to know where Ibiza is - it's an island off Spain -
> European clubbing Mecca - sun, sea, sand, and far far far too many drugs.
> Think broiled tasteless tourists on a binge of massive dimensions.
> *shudders*

It sounds....awful.  ;-)

> > 'm not flaky.  Really.  Oh look, shiny........
>
> LOL - ok, so that doesn't go with the suit either ;)

I like shiny things. :D  And hot chocolate and peanut butter cookies and
Alfred Hitchcock movies.

> > Knowing what you want is good.  Going after it is better.
> >
> > I have to give a speech in Toronto.  Think I'm ready? ;-)
>
> You sound full of motivational goodness.  Is that just
> sloganeering, or the fruits of your years of experience, oh wise teacher?

Honestly?  Bit of both.  No point in learning to do what you love if you're
not going to do it.  Life is too short to wind up doing something you hate
'cause you're too scared to do what you like.

> [what are you doing in Toronto - or were doing - whichever]

Easy trip this time, no recruiting.  Just going to a two day KI conference
that's supposed to teach us new skills.  Then I switch hotels and get
another two day conference about the resources we're trying to funnel into a
couple of projects in Central America; mostly planning and strategy, but it
usually works out that the plans are already set but those of us in the
field need to know the spin for when we try to get people to actually go
there and implement the program.

> Lawyers and Estate Agents : minions of the Devil.  It's a perfectly
> reasonable dislike.

Yep.  (Kay was in real estate?  Or is there a house agent out there who
royally pissed you off?)

> > Was trying to be subtle there and tell you I think you're cool, and I'm
> > liking this whole e-mail thing.
> >
> > Now, I shall retreat with my dignity a little worse for where,
> > but my head held high.
>
> How about, I kick myself for being about as sensitive as a very
> short plank, and you don't retreat?  Because - likewise.  Not what I was
> expecting to get out of the careers fair, but definitely a positive
> outcome. How's that for business speak?

Very nice, but the subject matter is too provocative to really get it to
work.  :-)  I'll just work on not being subtle and say what I mean, yeah?

> *********
> Remember : You are not a salmon.
>

I'll keep that in mind.

Study hard, Tom.  Talk to you soon.

Oliver



To: Thomas Moorfield
From: Oliver Kurland
Sent:  Thursday 11:45pm
Place: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Hey Tom.

Look, I know you've gone home for a few days and won't get this for a while.
Maybe that's good, I don't know.  Maybe I shouldn't be sending it, but I'm
too tired to think really well right now, and too...well.

Short version that I had supper with some people here at the convention,
then hit the gym for a bit.  Steam room, shower, down to the bar to meet
some friends I haven't seen in ages--guys from school who work here now.
Haven't seen any of them in about four years.

Too much to drink, which is just fucking stupid considering I have a
morning’s worth of meetings then a flight at two in the afternoon.  God, that
makes me look like such a jerk--I don't do this, don't let people get under
my skin like this.  I don't get plastered every time someone makes a pass at
me.

But I did this time.

See, hotels have conventions.  Which are full of people away from their
spouses, and it's not unusual for the closet cases to wind up in the steam
room.  Stupid me timed it wrong and wound up fending off some married guy
from somewhere who figured I was there to suck his cock, and it sort of set
the tone for the rest of the night.

Tell guy to fuck off, flee steam room.  Shower, feeling like an idiot for
getting myself into the situation.  Go down to the bar, meet up with three
guys who've always known I'm gay.  They're all straight, but it's never been
an issue.  Except one of them is getting divorced at the ripe old age of 27 and
he's a little depressed and drunk.  The others leave to get their subway,
and leave me with this guy, who's apparently, on a trip to the bathroom,
decided that the reason he's lost his wife is that he's not adventurous
enough.

So, Oliver, wanna be an adventure?

Hell no.

Shit.

Finally get him off in a cab--and I doubt if he'll ever look me in the eye
again--and here I am, wandering around my hotel room, wondering what the
hell is going on.  Months with no one even looking at me and suddenly I'm a
toy.

Feeling sorry for myself.  Feeling like sometimes it would be nice if I didn't
have scruples, just one night of not caring enough about myself to say yes.
One night not alone.

But I do care.  Don't want to be used.  Don't want to be cheap and dirty,
you know?

Damn, I started this out with another reason entirely, a question I have for
you, but I can't ask right now. Not after venting all that.  Would
look...like pressure or a guilt trip or whatever.

I don't play games like that, Tom.  Don't want you to ever think I'm playing
with your mind.

Hope you're having a good trip, and that the studying is going well.

Talk to you soon,

Oliver



To : Oliver Kurland
From : Thomas Moorfield
Sent : Tuesday, 9.47 am

Oliver? You ok?

I'll go through and do a proper reply to the other in a bit, but -

For what it's worth? I think you did the right thing - better that this guy
can't look you in the eye than you can't face yourself in the mirror, yeah?
And if I was the sort of guy who could  say 'I'll send the lads round' and
have people worried for anything more than the state of their soft
furnishings, well - damn but there are some right arseholes in the world.
Either of them - both of them and anyone else - just say the word and I'll
send Mike and Ian over to throw up on them or something.

Everything I know about you [and fair enough, I guess that's not much, but
it's enough to form an opinion, ok?] you're a good guy. You deserve someone
who wants *you* not just an adventure or the nearest warm body with the
right chromosomes, and they'll come along, sooner or later.

[This is where you learn that far from the callow callous pleasure seeking
youth that any self-respecting gay 22 year old living in the modern Sodom
and Gomorrah ought to be, I'm actually a bleeding heart romantic at heart]

Tom
*********
Remember : You are not a salmon.


***Week Three***


To :  Oliver Kurland
From :  Thomas Moorfield
Sent:  Tuesday 11.16 am

Ok - I’ve come back to college early, I have a computer lab all to myself,
I've been in the library since 8.30 am and I am heartily sick of trying to
revise. I've had 4 hours sleep, three bars of fruit and nut, and four
coffees out of that stinking vending machine. Are you ready for this?

> You did.  :-)  Fly out at 8:36--have to be at the airport by 6:30.  Which
> means up at 4:30.  Ugh.

But the really important question is : did you get out alive?

> Polite version would be that leather feels nice, and I've nothing against
> a little friendly light bondage.  Not into the scene at all, not into the leather
> clubs, just...right.  I'm going to leave it at that before I wind up
> deleting again.

You are doing far too well with that 'leaving me speechless’ thing. Let’s
just say that the closest I've got to bondage is climbing ropes and move
swiftly onwards, yeah? I'm not freaking out on you anything - I just have
absolutely no idea what to say to that.

> God, I'm blushing.  I didn't know I did that anymore.

If I say that that sounds like it would look cute do you do it again?

> So am I, but it was what it was, and I've dealt with it mostly.  Still
> have some trust issues, but I've been assured by people who've been where I was
> that it gets better.

I'm holding hard and fast to the 'time cures everything' school of thought.

> And hey, at least he got his own back.  (Why yes, I was glad when his boy
> walked away from him.  Bad Oliver.  ;-) )

Oh good - you are human then ;) [not all evil overlords are, you know - you
could be cthulu in a really cunning disguise.]

> All too human at this time of night.  :-)

Wonder if cthulu would be constantly reminding me how human he is ... ;p

> Talking about stuff like that doesn't really happen when I'm in presentation gear.  Soft
> jeans and sweater, sure.  Or when I happen to be separated from my
> co-conversationalist by an ocean.  ;-)

The sort of thing you regularly discuss off duty?

> Well, it's not something I hide, really.  I'm out at work--Janet keeps
> trying to set me up with this guy she knows in our sister division in
> Portland--and I tend to just let people figure it out.

Tends to be harder to figure out with an ocean in the way, when you're so
good at hiding the verbal clues.

> Would have told you--wanted to tell you, but sometimes it's hard to work
> into a conversation when you don't know what people's reactions are going
> to be.  You all but said that Kay was someone really important, and he's a
> guy. Made me feel pretty safe to let you know I'm gay; at the very least you
> wouldn't send me hate mail.  :-)

Dear Oliver, you are a sick and twisted individual .... not going to happen.
Not unless you reveal your secret love of country and western music or
something. Does it happen? I mean have you had that kind of thing?

> You sound like you don't have many people around you who would listen with
> an open head, and if I'm wrong, please forgive the presumption.  If you
> want to talk about him, your relationship...feel free.

I'm - I'm going to save that for the end, 'k?

> Well, let's see.   I can do breakfast really well.  Any kind of eggs you
> want, bacon, sausage, home fries, pancakes...you name it.  If it’s for
> breakfast and not crepes, I'm all over it.

My first reaction is 'you do know the way to a man's heart is through his
stomach - gods, you must get people wanting to follow you home just for
that', but in the light of the other mail, I'm going to guess that's maybe
not as funny as all that.  Sorry. Gotta ask though - what's a home fry? And
do you get 'away fries'?

> Did a leg of lamb once.  We don't talk about it.  ;-)

What on earth can you *do* to mess up a roast? On second thoughts - /me
draws a veil of polite and respectful silence.

> > I kind of ended up being the bad guy - it's a long story, but no, I
> > don't hear from him, or of him - not really in touch with any of the
> > people I knew then any more.
>
> Would you like to?  Hear from him, I mean.  Or would you be happy with
> just letting him, it, the whole thing go?  It's hard, isn't it?

Short answers, yes, yes and yes.   Also, yes - or at least I thought so at
the time.

> > It's weird - the campus is pretty much deserted, and I've got this lab
> > all to myself.  I think I'll dump my bag back at home, and then take the
> > bike out for a spin through the park later - too nice a day to loose entirely
> > to the books.
>
> Now *that* sounds wonderful.

It was - of course the weather was glorious the whole time I was down at my
parents, and me with no bike, and now I'm back and it's pissing it down.
Still - the few days last week - perfect. We're pretty urban, but when you
get out into the Royal Parks it’s easy to forget for a bit.

> Uh huh.  You're a little taller than me, and your hair is lighter, cut
> short but with a bit of curl.  Your eyes are somewhere between brown and grey, a
> you have a bit of a tan.  You looked really fit, but not muscle bound, and
> you have a lovely smile.
>
> You're entirely hot.

Um - thank you? Is that blushing thing contagious? I don't think anyone's
ever said that to me before. At least - are you joking?

> Eighteen.  I'd known for a while, but I *hadn't* known the usher.  He was
> about twenty, younger brother of the groom.  We were not popular with the
> bride--we stole her show, apparently.

God - I can imagine. Of course I think it sounds hilarious, but then it's
not my carefully planned perfect day getting swamped.

> Not so much that, though I think my father would get lost in the shuffle
> unless he finally remembers to keep track of KI's address.  He can find me
> through them, but he forgets.  Remind me to tell you about him at some
> point, he's a trip.

So, tell me about your father.

/Freud voice.

> Anyway, I think if I went for two years the people who I still want to
> contact would be there--I can think of two offhand who would make it a
> point to go there for a visit.

‘Come and visit me in New Zealand' - hell *I'd* come and visit if I got half
an invitation!

> It's more that I'm only 26, right?  And I don't know if KI is ready to
> promote someone to that level so young--it's a small base of operation,
> but it would still put whoever got the job on the same level as the #3 guy in
> Australia, which is a much bigger operation. They tend to keep all the
> executive level positions to people who've been working for KI for a
> hundred years.

I guess - hadn't really thought of that. I'd have thought it'd be hard on
someone who's older, maybe got a family and kids and stuff, to up sticks and
move half way round the globe for a couple of years, but then, I guess in a
few years time that gives you the advantage. Can't hurt to apply though -
know what you want and go for it, yeah?

> I like shiny things. :D  And hot chocolate and peanut butter cookies and
> Alfred Hitchcock movies.

Shiny things are cool, but give me a puzzle and I'm gone - puzzle rings,
Rubick’s cubes - anything like that.  Little fiddly finger toys, really sweet
tea, and crispy bacon crisps - those are all really predictable though ;) -
I'll have to admit I've never *eaten* a peanut butter cookie - I do like
Reese’s peanut butter cups - they sell them in the vending machines
downstairs, and  sod it - I want one now. And another coke. Hang on.

Back.  God I love having the campus practically to myself!  It's a bank
holiday today so it's just the swipe card access rooms, and meeee.

Possibly I have had too much caffeine.

> Honestly?  bit of both.  No point in learning to do what you love if
> you're not going to do it.  Life is too short to wind up doing something you hate
> 'cause you're too scared to do what you like.

Any motivational goodness on how to figure out what you want? One wants? [I
want?]

> > Lawyers and Estate Agents : minions of the Devil.  It's a perfectly
> > reasonable dislike.
>
> Yep.  (Kay was in real estate?  Or is there a house agent out there who
> royally pissed you off?)

You try living in student accommodation for four years. Well - I did get a
halls place in my first year, but ever since. Servants of Satan the lot of
them. [Kay was studying materials engineering - makes me worry about bridges
sometimes]

>  I'll just work on not being subtle and say what I mean, yeah?

That would help - I suck at subtle.  I get very - you know the film
Labyrinth? Ages old, fantasy thing, David Bowie? There's this bit with the
two doors, and the door keepers, and one of them always lies and one of them
always tells the truth? If I start trying to pay attention to the subtle I
get all tied up in if it's there or if I just think it's there, and if I'm
lying to myself, but it's really there .... you know what I mean?

> God, that makes me look like such a jerk--I don't do this, don't let people get
> under my skin like this.  I don't get plastered every time someone makes a pass
> at me.
>
> But I did this time.

Honestly? It kinda makes me worry - which, yeah, is stupid, but - you sound
pretty much 'not ok' and then with the radio silence .... you want to cut
your losses, maybe buzz me when you want to go climbing and avoid the
embarrassing conversation, I'll not hold it against you - just - tell me,
ok? Because logic or not, you’ve got me - well, worried.

And from here on in, you can probably skip if you want to avoid the
embarrassing stuff. I'm kind of boiling over a bit, need to vent - someone-
Look. I'm going to take that offer of a listening ear on face value, but if
you were just being polite?  You can skip it.

Take care, and let me know when you're in London, if you want to see about
climbing.

Tom











> See, hotels have conventions.  Which are full of people away from their
> spouses, and it's not unusual for the closet cases to wind up in the steam
> room.  Stupid me timed it wrong and wound up fending off some married guy
> from somewhere who figured I was there to suck his cock, and it sort of
> set the tone for the rest of the night.

Bare honesty time?  Stuff like that just scares the crap out of me.  The
whole thing - club pick ups and one night stands and saunas and dark rooms -
just - maybe I'm missing some manly man thing that makes me able to hand
over cruise control to my dick or something, but all that stuff just -
terrifies me. Not in any kind of 'daddy shouldn't touch you' kind of way,
don't get me wrong. Sex is cool - with someone you have some kind of
connection with. I'm not expecting a wedding ring or true love or happily
ever after, but a name would be nice. The whole sort of anonymous available
bodies thing - it makes me skin creep. Plus there's probably a generous dose
of 'so what *do* you do / say in this situation', like there's some sort of
etiquette to the whole thing - which there probably is, although it’s not
the sort of thing you can exactly ask Miss Manners, now is it? What you
described? Sounds like a total screaming -heebie-jeebies nightmare to me.

> So, Oliver, wanna be an adventure?

Fucktard. - sorry, but I'm all out of patience with people and their stupid
closed minded ignorant assumptions. And yes, Seth did piss me off royally
this weekend, and yes I am projecting, and yes, I am sorry.

Stopping now.

> Finally get him off in a cab--and I doubt if he'll ever look me in the eye
> again

Sucks to lose a friend 'cos they can’t see past their own mistakes, yeah?
Hope you're wrong and the two of you can carry on being friends.

> --and here I am, wandering around my hotel room, wondering what the
> hell is going on.  Months with no one even looking at me and suddenly I'm
> a toy.

Just to switch perspectives on you, that's probably 'months of people
looking, admiring, deciding you're way out of their league, and not saying
anything'.

> One night not alone.

Fucking sucks.

I think waking up next to the wrong person probably sucks more.

 > But I do care.  Don't want to be used.  Don't want to be cheap and dirty,
> you know?

Oh but I hear you.

Possibly I hear that big ol' projection screen I've got going on today.
Probably I have no clue and am making a total idiot of myself.

> Damn, I started this out with another reason entirely, a question I have
> for you, but I can't ask right now.

Ask? Or - if you really don't want to, at least give me a shot at the vague
subject area?

> I don't play games like that, Tom.  Don't want you to ever think I'm
> playing with your mind.

So far - marked absence of head fuck. Except maybe that, to be honest, you
sound kind of pissed by this point. Which is more weird-and-a-bit-worrying
than a head fuck.

> Hope you're having a good trip, and that the studying is going well.

Ha. This weekend sucked like - like something I ran away from. I came back
early, even if it did mean sleeping on the coach and paying extra and coming
straight to the class room building because I really don't want my mother's
guilt trip that's waiting for me on the answer phone.

Seth. My dear sweet innocent little brother, has my parents convinced that
I'm taking God knows what, sleeping with who knows what and generally acting
like I want a lead role in Jerry Springer the Movie. Because 'that's what
gay men are like'. So my mum asked, because my mum is a *mum*, and therefore
worries about her kids, if I've ever had an HIV test. And because I'm an
idiot, I told the truth, and I said yes. I had an HIV test. So clearly I'm a
sex crazed junkie, Seth was right, and I have aids.  It might be funny if
I'd actually *done* anything with anyone since Kay.

Fuck it - I miss him. I miss him and it hurt every single day for months,
and no one cares because I'm just a queer boy, and we just have mindless
fucking sex, right?

You want the long answer to those questions?

Yes, I want to hear from him. I don't know if I want to hear 'I want to be
with you' or just 'yeah, I'm doing good', but I know I want to hear from
him. I know I'm not going to, and yes, I wish I could just lay it to rest,
put it down, and move on, not miss him any more, not wonder how he's doing.
We already covered the 'it sucks' part in some detail, didn't we?

I don't think I do want him to sweep back into my life and take me back
anymore. I did for months, but - it's been too long, too much has happened.
It would be nice to be forgiven though, nice to know how he's doing, and if
he has a new guy. Just to know.  I'd like to know that he's happy.

And yes - I thought I was in love. Given how much it hurt when we split up,
maybe I was. It's certainly the closest I've ever been.

He picked me up, my first week in Albuquerque - he was living in the same
apartment block as me, and about the third time I ran into him waiting for
the lift - and I was trying so hard not to get caught staring I can only
assume it was the big neon sign over my head that gave me away - he
introduced himself, got chatting, invited me back to his place, introduced
me to this whole room full of people - there was some barbecue on the
balcony and he'd gone out to get ice - and then, a couple of beers later,
we're sat on the floor in his room talking and talking and talking and
things just went from there.

Thinking about it now, we were probably really fucking obnoxious, with the
whole cutesy couple thing, but - he was so handsome, so smart, so  - so
*Kay*, and I was just - I guess star struck is the word.  Head over heels.

You know what I did to fuck up the happily ever after? I answered the phone
in his apartment.

It was 6.30 in the morning, and I was supposed to remember that we were in
*his* bed, and the phone might be *his* parents and that as far as they were
concerned Kay was a upright law abiding young man and I was his friend from
England and nothing more.

Fan. Excrement hitting the.

By the time a couple of his so-called-friends were done with it, I'd called
*them* and outed him because I was jealous or something, Possibly just
because I was the fount of all evil.   He moved out of the building - and I
still don't know if that's because he was avoiding me, or them, or if his
dad was refusing to pay the rest of his fees or what, seeing as he dumped me
by answer phone, and managed to convince his department that he had a
restraining order out on me.  Oh yeah - I stalked him. Well - I spent a
couple of  weeks trying to get him to talk to me, tell me what was going on,
but that was enough for the campus police to decide I was his delusional gay
stalker.

I'm starting to think the reason I've never told anyone here about any of
this is because it really does sound like something of  Jerry Springer.

Did I scare you off yet?  See - told you you should have skipped.









It’s safe to come back now.

It's just occurred to me that we're having this conversation via your work
email address. Hope I'm not going to get you in trouble.

Just - hope you’re ok.

Take care of yourself.

Tom
*********
Remember : You are not a salmon.



To:  Thomas Moorfield
From: Oliver Kurland
Sent:  Tuesday 8:36pm

I'm okay.  Dying of embarrassment and cringing under my desk, but okay.

I'm really sorry.  That was totally uncool of me.  Regardless of what I'd
been drinking, or what I was feeling (mostly angry and lonely) I shouldn't
have dumped it on you.  You barely know me, for one thing, and it was just a
stupid thing to do.  I'm sorry.

God, I just looked at the time stamps--I haven't been ignoring you, I was in
conference all day doing a debrief on Toronto and what it means for the CA
project--you know, the business part of my trip.  Crap, I didn't mean to
leave you hanging.

> Ok - I’ve come back to college early, I have a computer lab all to myself,
> I've been in the library since 8.30 am and I am heartily sick of trying to
> revise. I've had 4 hours sleep, three bars of fruit and nut, and four
> coffees out of that stinking vending machine. Are you ready for this?

After what I did to you?  Ready for anything you have to give.

> But the really important question is : did you get out alive?

Mostly.  Think I left most of my dignity in Toronto though.

> > Polite version would be that leather feels nice, and I've
> > nothing against a little friendly light bondage.  Not into
> > the scene at all, not into the leather clubs, just...right.  I'm
> > going to leave it at that before I wind up deleting again.
>
> You are doing far too well with that 'leaving me speechless’ thing. Let’s
> just say that the closest I've got to bondage is climbing ropes and move
> swiftly onwards, yeah? I'm not freaking out on you anything - I just have
> absolutely no idea what to say to that.

I'm sorry.  That was stupid thing to say too.  Just....shit.  I'm sorry.  I
talk too much sometimes.

> > God, I'm blushing.  I didn't know I did that anymore.
>
> If I say that that sounds like it would look cute do you do it again?

Apparently so.  Oh dear.

> > And hey, at least he got his own back.  (Why yes, I was glad
> > when his boy walked away from him.  Bad Oliver.  ;-) )
>
> Oh good - you are human then ;) [not all evil overlords are, you
> know - you could be cthulu in a really cunning disguise.]
>
> > All too human at this time of night.  :-)
>
> Wonder if cthulu would be constantly reminding me how human he is ... ;p

I'll never tell.  It's one of things you'll have to discover on your own.

Er...what the hell is cthulu??

> > Talking about stuff like that doesn't really happen when I'm in presentation
> > gear.  Soft jeans and sweater, sure.  Or when I happen to be separated from my
> > co-conversationalist by an ocean.  ;-)
>
> The sort of thing you regularly discuss off duty?

Okay, you caught me.  I don't often find myself coming out and sharing
leather dreams with attractive Brits, no matter what I'm wearing.

(At the moment that would be single breasted jacket, double pleat
trousers--both in a slate green-- and an antique white dress shirt.  Dark
green tie, and a gold tie pin.  Oh, and freshly polished shoes.  Can't
forget the shoes.  Italian leather.)

> > Well, it's not something I hide, really.  I'm out at work--Janet keeps
> > trying to set me up with this guy she knows in our sister division in
> > Portland--and I tend to just let people figure it out.
>
> Tends to be harder to figure out with an ocean in the way, when you're so
> good at hiding the verbal clues.

Yeah, I guess.  Sorry.

Man, here I am on the one hand saying I won't play games and on the other
I'm saying I talk too much, tell too much. I'm having trouble finding a
balance here.

> Dear Oliver, you are a sick and twisted individual .... not going
> to happen. Not unless you reveal your secret love of country and western
> music or something.

Oh, I didn't tell you about my crush on Garth Brooks?  Kidding!  Oh God,
wouldn't that just drive a man insane?  *shiver*  No strange taste in icky
music.  ;-)

> Does it happen? I mean have you had that kind of thing?

Hate mail?  Sort of.  Rough phone calls, an occasional co-worker who decides
to send me links to straight porn, that sort of thing.

> > Well, let's see.   I can do breakfast really well.  Any kind of eggs you
> > want, bacon, sausage, home fries, pancakes...you name it.  If it’s for
> > breakfast and not crepes, I'm all over it.
>
> My first reaction is 'you do know the way to a man's heart is through his
> stomach - gods, you must get people wanting to follow you home just for
> that', but in the light of the other mail, I'm going to guess that's maybe
> not as funny as all that.  Sorry.

Maybe not funny, but pretty flattering.  Though possible true...maybe if
offered breakfast *as* a date I'd get somewhere.

> Gotta ask though - what's a home fry? And do you get 'away fries'?

LOL.  Home fries are chunks of left over boiled potato fried in butter with
onion and parsley, bit of garlic.  Toss on some sharp cheddar and you've got
yummies.

> > Did a leg of lamb once.  We don't talk about it.  ;-)
>
> What on earth can you *do* to mess up a roast? On second thoughts - /me
> draws a veil of polite and respectful silence.

You *really* don't want to know.  The firemen were cute though.

> It was - of course the weather was glorious the whole time I was
> down at my parents, and me with no bike, and now I'm back and it's pissing
> it down. Still - the few days last week - perfect. We're pretty urban, but when you
> get out into the Royal Parks it’s easy to forget for a bit.

Forget school, family, everything.  Just fly, huh?  Maybe I need a bike.  I
don't zone like that much anymore.

> > Uh huh.  You're a little taller than me, and your hair is lighter, cut
> > short but with a bit of curl.  Your eyes are somewhere between brown
> > and grey, and you have a bit of a tan.  You looked really fit, but not
> > muscle bound, and you have a lovely smile.
> >
> > You're entirely hot.
>
> Um - thank you? Is that blushing thing contagious? I don't think anyone's
> ever said that to me before. At least - are you joking?

I'm not joking.  I tend not to save the CVs of people we don't hire, who
aren't interested in KI and haven't asked to be kept on file.

Just yours.

> So, tell me about your father.
>
> /Freud voice.

I will.  Maybe tomorrow or the next day....right now we've got enough to
talk about without hearing about the weirdness that is my dad.  :-) *pointed
look down the e-mail*

> ‘Come and visit me in New Zealand' - hell *I'd* come and visit if
> I got half an invitation!

Done. I get the job, you're invited.  We can climb something.

> > It's more that I'm only 26, right?  And I don't know if KI is ready to
> > promote someone to that level so young--it's a small base of operation,
> > but it would still put whoever got the job on the same level as the
> > #3 guy in Australia, which is a much bigger operation. They tend to keep
> > all the executive level positions to people who've been working for KI for a
> > hundred years.
>
> I guess - hadn't really thought of that. I'd have thought it'd be hard on
> someone who's older, maybe got a family and kids and stuff, to up
> sticks and move half way round the globe for a couple of years, but then,
> I guess in a few years time that gives you the advantage. Can't hurt to
> apply though - know what you want and go for it, yeah?

You?  Have been paying attention.  Yeah, I'll apply.  Can't hurt to.

> > I like shiny things. :D  And hot chocolate and peanut butter cookies and
> > Alfred Hitchcock movies.
>
> Shiny things are cool, but give me a puzzle and I'm gone - puzzle rings,
> Rubick’s cubes - anything like that.  Little fiddly finger toys, really sweet
> tea, and crispy bacon crisps - those are all really predictable
> though ;) - I'll have to admit I've never *eaten* a peanut butter cookie -
> I do like Reese’s peanut butter cups - they sell them in the vending machines
> downstairs, and  sod it - I want one now. And another coke. Hang on.

*aghast*  You’ve never had a peanut butter cookie?  Horrors.  I'll send you
a care package.  Don't share with the flat mates.

> Back.  God I love having the campus practically to myself!  It's a bank
> holiday today so it's just the swipe card access rooms, and meeee.

:-)  Sounds nice and private.  *peers out office door and waves to
multitudes*  God I want to go home.  I'll be here late though, doing
paperwork.  Order in supper--again--fall into bed after midnight.

> Possibly I have had too much caffeine.

I like you on caffeine.  Sorta bouncy like Tigger.

> > Honestly?  bit of both.  No point in learning to do what you love if
> > you're not going to do it.  Life is too short to wind up doing
> > something you hate 'cause you're too scared to do what you like.
>
> Any motivational goodness on how to figure out what you want? one
> wants? [I want?]

Try something.  Don't lock yourself in, but give yourself time to see if you
like it before saying no.  Figure out what really makes you tick, what gets
you excited, what pulls you out of bed each day.  See what it is about that
which you can find in a workplace.  Do what you love, not necessarily what
you're good at.

> >  I'll just work on not being subtle and say what I mean, yeah?
>
> That would help - I suck at subtle.  I get very - you know the film
> Labyrinth? Ages old, fantasy thing, David Bowie? There's this bit with the
> two doors, and the door keepers, and one of them always lies and
> one of them always tells the truth? If I start trying to pay attention to
> the subtle I get all tied up in if it's there or if I just think it's there, and if I'm
> lying to myself, but it's really there .... you know what I mean?

Yeah.  I remember the movie, I see what you're saying.  I think I get locked
into the business mind sometimes, you know?  Part of what I do is sell, so I
have to figure out what a persons needs are before they do, and make it look
like their idea.  It's all mind games, and I hate that.  It's not who I am.
The rest of my job is who I am.  But sometimes the line gets blurred.

So.  Making it a point to say what I mean.

> > God, that makes me look like such a jerk--I don't do this, don't let
> > people get under my skin like this.  I don't get plastered every time someone
> > makes a pass at me.
> >
> > But I did this time.
>
> Honestly? It kinda makes me worry - which, yeah, is stupid, but -
> you sound pretty much 'not ok' and then with the radio silence .... you
> want to cut your losses, maybe buzz me when you want to go climbing and avoid the
> embarrassing conversation, I'll not hold it against you - just - tell me,
> ok? Because logic or not, you’ve got me - well, worried.

Again, sorry for the silence.  I'm heartily ashamed of myself for doing that
to you--just didn't know who else would get it.

I was lonely and had two beer too many and even with the two idiots I was
still just horny enough to play what if with myself.  What if I'd said yes?
What if I'd taken him to my room?  I'd have gotten off, yeah, but the rest?
The self loathing and the guilt?  Couldn't deal with that, didn't want to.

But I was still lonely.

I'm sorry, Tom.  I shouldn't have dragged you into it, I should have just
taken a cold shower and gone to bed.

> Look. I'm going to take that offer of a listening ear on face
> value, but if you were just being polite?  You can skip it.

Yeah right.  Not going anywhere.  And not because you got hit with my pile
of crap, either.  I care, and I want to read it.  Want to help, if I can.

> > See, hotels have conventions.  Which are full of people away from their
> > spouses, and it's not unusual for the closet cases to wind up
> > in the steam room.  Stupid me timed it wrong and wound up fending off
> > some married guy from somewhere who figured I was there to suck his cock, and
> > it sort of set the tone for the rest of the night.
>
> Bare honesty time?  Stuff like that just scares the crap out of me.  The
> whole thing - club pick ups and one night stands and saunas and
> dark rooms - just - maybe I'm missing some manly man thing that makes me
> able to hand over cruise control to my dick or something, but all that stuff just -
> terrifies me.

Yeah, me too.  Honestly.

> Not in any kind of 'daddy shouldn't touch you' kind of way,
> don't get me wrong. Sex is cool - with someone you have some kind of
> connection with. I'm not expecting a wedding ring or true love or happily
> ever after, but a name would be nice.

Yeah.

> The whole sort of anonymous available bodies thing - it makes me skin creep. Plus
> there's probably a generous dose of 'so what *do* you do / say in this situation', like
> there's some sort of etiquette to the whole thing - which there probably is,
> although it’s not the sort of thing you can exactly ask Miss Manners, now is it? What
> you described? Sounds like a total screaming -heebie-jeebies nightmare to me.

Yeah.  It was weird, the thing in Toronto.  Like, in most hotels, I just
don't go in the sauna if there’s already someone there.  Just never know.
But I've in some before and a couple of guys will come in, talking shop and
everything's normal...then one will just open his towel and the other guy
will go to his knees.  Creeps me out.  I run at that point.

This guy though--he came in, I stood up to leave, 'cause I just don't stick
around one on one in hotels.  He didn't even look at me, just sat down when
I stood up and asked me to suck him off.  Never happened before.

> > So, Oliver, wanna be an adventure?
>
> Fucktard. - sorry, but I'm all out of patience with people and
> their stupid closed minded ignorant assumptions. And yes, Seth did piss me
> off royally this weekend, and yes I am projecting, and yes, I am sorry.
>
> Stopping now.

No, don't.  It's okay to be upset; obviously something happened and you're
upset.

But yeah, he was being a jerk--it's like people assume that all gay guys
will do all other gay guys and it doesn't matter who.  Like we'll just jump
at any chance to get laid.

> > Finally get him off in a cab--and I doubt if he'll ever look me
> > in the eye again
>
> Sucks to lose a friend 'cos they can’t see past their own mistakes, yeah?
> Hope you're wrong and the two of you can carry on being friends.

Yeah, maybe.  We'll see, though I don't hold out too much hope.

Not sure I want to, if he thinks that about me.

> >--and here I am, wandering around my hotel room, wondering what the
> > hell is going on.  Months with no one even looking at me and
> >suddenly I'm a toy.
>
> Just to switch perspectives on you, that's probably 'months of people
> looking, admiring, deciding you're way out of their league, and not saying
> anything'.

I doubt that, but thanks.

> > One night not alone.
>
> Fucking sucks.

Yeah.  I miss someone being here.  Not even Peter really, and not just sex.
I miss a connection, you know?

> I think waking up next to the wrong person probably sucks more.

True.  Very wise.

> Possibly I hear that big ol' projection screen I've got going on today.
> Probably I have no clue and am making a total idiot of myself.

I don't care if it is projection screen, you aren't making an idiot of
yourself.  You're...being a friend.

> > Damn, I started this out with another reason entirely, a question I have
> > for you, but I can't ask right now.
>
> Ask? Or - if you really don't want to, at least give me a shot at
> the vague subject area?

I think it would have been a mistake, so I won't ask you.  Distance is just
too hard, sometimes, and we're both in a rough spot at the moment.

But I like you a lot, Tom.

> > I don't play games like that, Tom.  Don't want you to ever think I'm
> > playing with your mind.
>
> So far - marked absence of head fuck. Except maybe that, to be honest, you
> sound kind of pissed by this point. Which is more weird-and-a-bit-worrying
> than a head fuck.

Stone sober now, and sorry to have worried you.  Really sorry.

Going to take the following bit by bit.  Man, what a sucky weekend you had.

> Ha. This weekend sucked like - like something I ran away from. I came back
> early, even if it did mean sleeping on the coach and paying extra
> and coming straight to the class room building because I really don't want
> my mother's guilt trip that's waiting for me on the answer phone.

Ouch.  I'm sorry it was rough.

> Seth. My dear sweet innocent little brother, has my parents convinced that
> I'm taking God knows what, sleeping with who knows what and
> generally acting like I want a lead role in Jerry Springer the Movie.
> Because 'that's what gay men are like'.

Jesus.  Sounds sort of like my sister and mom, though they throw in biblical
references.

> So my mum asked, because my mum is a *mum*,
> and therefore worries about her kids, if I've ever had an HIV test. And
> because I'm an idiot, I told the truth, and I said yes. I had an HIV test. So clearly I'm
> a sex crazed junkie, Seth was right, and I have aids.

And you and I both know that what you are is smart and safe.  Crap, if you'd
said no, then you would be stupid, not taking care of yourself, and a danger
to the multitudes you're apparently supposed to be sleeping with.

> It might be funny if I'd actually *done* anything with anyone since Kay.

Yeah.  Long periods of celibacy tend to put a damper on the sense of humour.
See me not laughing.

> Fuck it - I miss him. I miss him and it hurt every single day for months,
> and no one cares because I'm just a queer boy, and we just have mindless
> fucking sex, right?

God, Tom.  I get the pain.  I do.  And I get that you think no one cares.
But I do.  I know it hurts, and I know it feels like it's not going to get
better.  But it will.

And you're not just a queer boy.  You're a gay man looking for something
better than what he has right now.

> You want the long answer to those questions?

Yes.

> Yes, I want to hear from him. I don't know if I want to hear 'I want to be
> with you' or just 'yeah, I'm doing good', but I know I want to hear from
> him. I know I'm not going to, and yes, I wish I could just lay it to rest,
> put it down, and move on, not miss him any more, not wonder how
> he's doing. We already covered the 'it sucks' part in some detail, didn't
> we?

I get that.  Peter and I share friends and I can't even ask about him
because they either only tell me the bad stuff, thinking it will make me
feel better 'cause he's the bastard who cheated on me, or they look at me
with pity and don't say anything....'cause he's the bastard who cheated on
me and I must still be hung up on him if I ask.

I don't know.

> I don't think I do want him to sweep back into my life and take me back
> anymore. I did for months, but - it's been too long, too much has
> happened. It would be nice to be forgiven though, nice to know how he's
> doing, and if he has a new guy. Just to know.  I'd like to know that he's
> happy.

Yeah.

> And yes - I thought I was in love. Given how much it hurt when we
> split up, maybe I was. It's certainly the closest I've ever been.

It most likely was.  Even if it wasn't it doesn't make the hurt go away,
right?

> Thinking about it now, we were probably really fucking obnoxious, with the
> whole cutesy couple thing, but - he was so handsome, so smart, so  - so
> *Kay*, and I was just - I guess star struck is the word.  Head over heels.
>
> You know what I did to fuck up the happily ever after? I answered
> the phone in his apartment.
>
> It was 6.30 in the morning, and I was supposed to remember that we were in
> *his* bed, and the phone might be *his* parents and that as far
> as they were concerned Kay was a upright law abiding young man and I was
> his friend from England and nothing more.
>
> Fan. Excrement hitting the.

Okay, here's where you get pissed at me.

This wasn't your fault.  You answered the phone early in the morning.  Yeah,
it outed him, but it wasn't your fault he couldn't deal with that.  Not your
fault that he was ashamed of who he was.  Not your fault he wanted to hide
you.

Fuck, if you were my boyfriend I'd parade you all over town and tell
everyone.

Not your fault, Tom.

> By the time a couple of his so-called-friends were done with it,
> I'd called *them* and outed him because I was jealous or something,
> Possibly just because I was the fount of all evil.   He moved out  of the
> building - and I still don't know if that's because he was avoiding me, or
> them, or if his dad was refusing to pay the rest of his fees or what, seeing as
> he dumped me by answer phone, and managed to convince his department that
> he had a restraining order out on me.  Oh yeah - I stalked him. Well - I spent a
> couple of  weeks trying to get him to talk to me, tell me what
> was going on, but that was enough for the campus police to decide I was
> his delusional gay stalker.

Okay, so his friends lied to him and he believed them over you.  He wouldn't
listen to you. He avoided you, moved out, did what his parents told him.

He was a child and not ready to live his own life, make his own choices and
stand by them.  He didn't trust you enough to see what you were.

Shit, I'm sorry.  I know you're going to stop talking to me after this, but
I gotta say it, Tom.

He wasn't ready to have you.  Wasn't ready to be a man and live his own life
on his own terms.  He was unfair to you.

Not.  Your.  Fault.

And yeah.  It still hurts.  Doesn't take any of the pain away.  I wish it
did.

> Did I scare you off yet?  See - told you you should have skipped.

Still here.  Still like you.  Still hope you're speaking to me.

> It’s safe to come back now.

Never left.  :-)

> It's just occurred to me that we're having this conversation via your work
> email address. Hope I'm not going to get you in trouble.

Nah, it's cool.  Don't stress.  I get my personal e-mail forwarded here
anyway--the company is so big that they don't monitor, really.  And if they
do?  Screw 'em.

> Just - hope you’re ok.

I'm fine.  I hope *you're* okay.

Hope you're still talking to me.

Take care,

Oliver.



To : Oliver Kurland
From :  Thomas Moorfield
Sent:  Wednesday 3:38pm

> I'm okay.  Dying of embarrassment and cringing under my desk, but okay.

Good - I'm glad.

Not that you’re embarrassed, but that you're ok.

> You barely know me, for one thing, and it was just a
> stupid thing to do.  I'm sorry.

You know, at some point we're going to have to stop saying 'I barely know
you' and other sentences in that family.

> Crap, I didn't mean to leave you hanging.

I'm just not going to tell you how often I've been checking my mail, ok.
It’s the novelty value of the mostly empty labs. Really.

> I'm sorry.  That was stupid thing to say too.  Just....shit.  I'm sorry.
> I talk too much sometimes.

Hey - for one thing you've got to tell someone, and for another how am I
ever going to *get* to know you if you shut up.  You don't learn if you
don't ask - and I did ask.

> > > God, I'm blushing.  I didn't know I did that anymore.
> >
> > If I say that that sounds like it would look cute do you do it again?
>
> Apparently so.  Oh dear.

Cute ;)

> Er...what the hell is cthulu??

Dude - don't tell me you never read Lovecraft? H.P. Lovecraft - Cthulu’s
essentially one of the elder gods. Big tentacled thing. Like I said, it'd
been a really cunning disguise.

> Okay, you caught me.  I don't often find myself coming out and sharing
> leather dreams with attractive Brits, no matter what I'm wearing.

We’re on mutual territory - don't get told them by attractive Americans, um,
until now.

> (At the moment that would be single breasted jacket, double pleat
> trousers--both in a slate green-- and an antique white dress shirt.  Dark
> green tie, and a gold tie pin.  Oh, and freshly polished shoes.  Can't
> forget the shoes.  Italian leather.)

Sounds - very smart. [Slate green? slate's grey unless there's something
really messed up with my colour vision] and an antique shirt? I'm afraid I
can't compete.  Fleece [grey with navy], T-shirt [I think that might once
have been a 'no fear' logo - sort of blue-ish], jeans [faded not ripped] and
very battered knock-off Nikes. We're back at that different world thing,
aren't we?

> Man, here I am on the one hand saying I won't play games and on the other
> I'm saying I talk too much, tell too much. I'm having trouble finding a
> balance here.

Just - talk, yeah?  Part of me's screaming it would be easier to go back to
small talk, or just avoidance, but - seems like we've both decided that the
other one is trustworthy, and, You know, I like you, and neither of us has
run of screaming in terror just yet ... so - don't worry too much?

Well - I convinced *me* at least.

> > Dear Oliver, you are a sick and twisted individual .... not going
> > to happen. Not unless you reveal your secret love of country and western
> > music or something.
>
> Oh, I didn't tell you about my crush on Garth Brooks?

Dear Oliver, you are a sick and twisted individual ....

> No strange taste in icky music.  ;-)

What tastes in non-icky music, if I may ask?

> Hate mail?  Sort of.  Rough phone calls, an occasional co-worker who
> decides to send me links to straight porn, that sort of thing.

I'm lucky - there are enough hyper political in-your-face types around here
to take the flack. Which probably makes me a spoiled SOB, but - well - they
bug *me*, so what they must do to the blood pressure of the religious right
I dread to think.   [I'm going to assume that you're not a Republican voting
fundamentalist for the purposes of this sentence]

> Maybe not funny, but pretty flattering.  Though possible true...maybe if
> offered breakfast *as* a date I'd get somewhere.

The idea of "dating" anyone - I mean everyone,  in general - gay, straight,
small furry creatures from Alpha Centuri - is just kind of alien to me -
it's such an American thing.

> LOL.  Home fries are chunks of left over boiled potato fried in butter
> with onion and parsley, bit of garlic.  Toss on some sharp cheddar and you've
> got yummies.

Sounds good - right till you get to the melted cheese for breakfast. I'll
skip that part, if you don't mind. [I'm a failure as a student - I can't
stand left over pizza first thing either] Give me a bacon butty any day.
Brown sauce, not ketchup.

> You *really* don't want to know.  The firemen were cute though.

*grins* - What’d you cook it with? A nuke? US firemen uniforms, I have to
admit, are a lot more flattering than the UK versions. Yellow and black
oversize dungarees just don’t do it for me. Give me a policeman any day -
mounted or biker corp for preference ;)

> Forget school, family, everything.  Just fly, huh?  Maybe I need a bike.
> I don't zone like that much anymore.

Maybe you should - it's got to be less stress than a treadmill. Is there
somewhere near your you could ride away from traffic? Not having to watch
out for your life every second does help with the meditative aspect. We're
lucky here - a lot of parks close by, and the river and canal banks. It's an
escape thing, as well as a mode of transport and some exercise all rolled
into one.

> I'm not joking.  I tend not to save the CVs of people we don't hire, who
> aren't interested in KI and haven't asked to be kept on file.
>
> Just yours.

This is one of those 'should I be looking for subtle' moments.

Given the last week or so : I'm glad you did save mine.

> I will.  Maybe tomorrow or the next day....right now we've got enough to
> talk about without hearing about the weirdness that is my dad.  :-)
> *pointed look down the e-mail*

Fair point. Although feel free to attract attention away from my most
spectacular fuck up to date. Any time you want.

> Done. I get the job, you're invited.  We can climb something.

Cool ;) - We can climb something - Why? - Because it’s there!

> *aghast*  You’ve never had a peanut butter cookie?  Horrors.  I'll send
> you a care package.  Don't share with the flat mates

LOL - you think I share my munchies with that pair? Hell no. I learned and I
learned fast to keep anything that they could snack on while under the
influence safely in my room, not my cupboard.

> :-)  Sounds nice and private.  *peers out office door and waves to
> multitudes*

Could be worse - could be a cubical farm.

> God I want to go home.  I'll be here late though, doing
> paperwork.  Order in supper--again--fall into bed after midnight.

Sounds stressy. At least you have a good reason to call on your take away of
choice. [Just tell me it's not kebabs and I'll rest easy about your tastes.]

> I like you on caffeine.  Sorta bouncy like Tigger.

Bounce? No, seriously, I jiggle, and tap, and generally drive people crazy.

> Try something.  Don't lock yourself in, but give yourself time to see if
> you like it before saying no.  Figure out what really makes you tick, what
> gets you excited, what pulls you out of bed each day.  See what it is about
> that which you can find in a workplace.  Do what you love, not necessarily what
> you're good at.

Working on it, cap’n.  How'd you work your way up to your post at your
tender years anyway - I mean, you're what? Five years out of school?

> Part of what I do is sell, so I have to figure out what a persons needs are before they do,
> and make it look like their idea.  It's all mind games, and I hate that.  It's not who I
> am. The rest of my job is who I am.  But sometimes the line gets blurred.

Be careful - working in sales is pernicious stuff - Cam [one of those
friends who's rapidly becoming an acquaintance] is selling mobile phones of
all things at the moment, and it does seem to creep in round the edges with
some people.  I kind of like non-salesman-you. I just won’t think too hard
about the perceptiveness thing.

> Again, sorry for the silence.  I'm heartily ashamed of myself for doing
> that to you--just didn't know who else would get it.

Oliver? Will you do me a favour? Don't beat yourself up over emailing me?
I'm a little weirded out that it was me you chose to send it to, not one of
your friends, but - I get it, and I wish I'd been around to say something
sooner.

 > But I was still lonely.

A little freaked, a little drunk, trapped in a hotel room : I think maybe I
can get that.

> I'm sorry, Tom.  I shouldn't have dragged you into it, I should have just
> taken a cold shower and gone to bed.

See above.  And a cold shower does nothing for the lonely part.

> Yeah right.  Not going anywhere.  And not because you got hit with my pile
> of crap, either.  I care, and I want to read it.  Want to help, if I can.

Again with the slightly weird, and again with the appreciation and the thank
you.

> Yeah.  It was weird, the thing in Toronto.  Like, in most hotels, I just
> don't go in the sauna if there’s already someone there.  Just never
> know. But I've in some before and a couple of guys will come in, talking shop
> and everything's normal...then one will just open his towel and the other guy
> will go to his knees.  Creeps me out.  I run at that point.

I can totally see that.

> This guy though--he came in, I stood up to leave, 'cause I just don't
> stick around one on one in hotels.  He didn't even look at me, just sat down
> when I stood up and asked me to suck him off.  Never happened before.

“Fuck off” and flee seems like a pretty sane reaction - I just don't get
it - what do people *expect* for Christ’s sake?

> But yeah, he was being a jerk--it's like people assume that all gay guys
> will do all other gay guys and it doesn't matter who.  Like we'll just
> jump at any chance to get laid.

That’s pretty much the attitude that's been grating on my nerves, yeah.
What's the joke, gay men have sex without relationships, and lesbians have
relationships without sex? I'd kind of like to believe that *wasn't* true.

> Not sure I want to, if he thinks that about me.

His approach surely sucked, but : there is another interpretation : that
you're a friend, and he, presumably, trusts you, maybe likes you, just
didn't know how to make his approach? I can kind of relate to the doing
things clumsily while emotionally wrung out aspect.

> > Just to switch perspectives on you, that's probably 'months of people
> > looking, admiring, deciding you're way out of their league, and not
> > saying anything'.
>
> I doubt that, but thanks.

If I hadn’t been in a 'must find job and not slit wrists' sort of headspace,
and you hadn't been a potential employer that'd pretty much have been my
thought process. You're not hard on the eye, let us say.

> Yeah.  I miss someone being here.  Not even Peter really, and not just
> sex. I miss a connection, you know?

Yeah. Yeah I do.

>  You're...being a friend.

I'd like to think so.

> I think it would have been a mistake, so I won't ask you.  Distance is
> just too hard, sometimes, and we're both in a rough spot at the moment.

I guess I’ll trust your judgement, but - curiosity has sharp pointy teeth.

> But I like you a lot, Tom.

Times like this I wish email came with tones of voice.  Thank you - I think.
Not sure what I've done, but - cool. I'm glad you emailed me - glad you're
still talking to me. All that stuff.

> > Ha. This weekend sucked like - like something I ran away from. I came
> > back early, even if it did mean sleeping on the coach and paying extra
> > and coming straight to the class room building because I really don't
> > want my mother's guilt trip that's waiting for me on the answer phone.
>
> Ouch.  I'm sorry it was rough.

I ran away - I'm not overly proud of that. I pretty much suck at the whole
family row thing, and it’s not like anything I was going to say was going to
make any *difference*.   At least we made it past Easter Sunday Lunch with
the whole extended 'family and friends'  before it blew up. Not sure if mum
would forgive me for ruining one of those. I think I've got her convinced
that it's just pressure of work, and that I'm not currently about to set
about infecting the whole south east with the gay plague.

> Jesus.  Sounds sort of like my sister and mom, though they throw in
> biblical references.

Advantages of a mostly secular family?

> And you and I both know that what you are is smart and safe.  Crap, if
> you'd said no, then you would be stupid, not taking care of yourself, and a
> danger to the multitudes you're apparently supposed to be sleeping with.

Well, quite.

> Yeah.  Long periods of celibacy tend to put a damper on the sense of
> humour. See me not laughing.

It’s much funnier when the painful stuff is happening to Other People. This
is why Jackass works.

> > Fuck it - I miss him. I miss him and it hurt every single day for
> > months, and no one cares because I'm just a queer boy, and we just have mindless
> > fucking sex, right?
>
> God, Tom.  I get the pain.  I do.  And I get that you think no one cares.
> But I do.  I know it hurts, and I know it feels like it's not going to get
> better.  But it will.

It will - it has. I'm reading and writing this without making a fool of
myself in public for one thing.  It gets better and good things will come
along for both of us eventually, right?  Keep telling me that?

> And you're not just a queer boy.  You're a gay man looking for something
> better than what he has right now.

Sometimes it might be easier to be a kid again - this whole adult world
thing is kinda scary, and I don't know if I'm ready yet - and that's just
jobs and houses and stuff.

> I get that.  Peter and I share friends and I can't even ask about him
> because they either only tell me the bad stuff, thinking it will make me
> feel better 'cause he's the bastard who cheated on me, or they look at me
> with pity and don't say anything....'cause he's the bastard who cheated on
> me and I must still be hung up on him if I ask.

I don’t now if that's better or worse - different and painful and
frustrating. Do you ever run into him?

> > And yes - I thought I was in love. Given how much it hurt when we
> > split up, maybe I was. It's certainly the closest I've ever been.
>
> It most likely was.  Even if it wasn't it doesn't make the hurt go away,
> right?

It kind of moves the self-blame around between stupid and really stupid a
bit, but that's about it.

> This wasn't your fault.  You answered the phone early in the morning.
> Yeah, it outed him, but it wasn't your fault he couldn't deal with that.  Not
> your fault that he was ashamed of who he was.  Not your fault he wanted to hide
> you.

I should have thought though - should have been a bit more on the ball, a
bit more considerate. Should have let him answer his own damn phone.
Something.

> Fuck, if you were my boyfriend I'd parade you all over town and tell
> everyone.

*smiles* - Thanks for that. You’re getting a corner of my ego all nice and
shiny.

> Not your fault, Tom.

Cause and effect, Oliver.

> Okay, so his friends lied to him and he believed them over you.  He
> wouldn't listen to you. He avoided you, moved out, did what his parents told him.

I don't know. I don't know who said what, or what who believed - only what
hit the gossip hard enough to get back to even me. I know he finished up the
school year - no idea if his parents let him go home - any of that. I know
he was crying when he asked me to get out of the flat, and I know I caused
that.

> Shit, I'm sorry.  I know you're going to stop talking to me after this,
> but I gotta say it, Tom.

Say it - maybe I need to hear it. Been locked up with only my own views on
the subject for too long - just - fuck it, the only other person in the room
can't see my face, and I think I can keep from punching the walls.

> He wasn't ready to have you.  Wasn't ready to be a man and live his own
> life on his own terms.  He was unfair to you.
>
> Not.  Your.  Fault.

Wish I could believe that.

I did know - that first night when we talked - I knew he wasn't out to them,
right from the beginning.

Fuck - this is one of those 'manhood and identity' things the GLB probably
had seminars on, that I might have some clue how to deal with it I'd gone to
them, right?

> And yeah.  It still hurts.  Doesn't take any of the pain away.  I wish it
> did.

Someone needs to invent painkillers for heartache - there's got to be money
in that.

Thank you though. It's - it's weird to actually lay it out like that, to
tell someone the whole story, start to finish. maybe a good thing.  Nice to
think that someone gets it, and maybe cares a bit.

Thanks.

> Still here.  Still like you.  Still hope you're speaking to me.

Still here, still like you, still talking.

Just don't entirely believe you ... I appreciate the attempt though.

> > It's just occurred to me that we're having this conversation via your
> > work email address. Hope I'm not going to get you in trouble.
>
> Nah, it's cool.  Don't stress.  I get my personal e-mail forwarded here
> anyway--the company is so big that they don't monitor, really.  And if
> they do?  Screw 'em.

Just so long as you know. Those tech friends of yours, when they're wearing
a t-shirt that says 'I read your email'? they really are - or they can,
anyway.

> I'm fine.  I hope *you're* okay.

It's been an - interesting couple of days. Haven't got as much done on the
dissertation as I meant to, but - yeah, I'm ok.  Pretty much.

> Hope you're still talking to me.

Nope, ignoring you utterly.  ;p

Take care - and take a break sometime!  - no heart attacks just yet, ok?
Save that till after the promotion.

Tom
*********
Remember : You are not a salmon.



To:  Thomas Moorfield
From: Oliver Kurland
Sent: Wednesday 12:30pm


Hey Tom,

Look at that, you're still speaking to me.  Cool.

> You know, at some point we're going to have to stop saying 'I barely know
> you' and other sentences in that family.

Yeah. :-)  Now works for me.

> > Crap, I didn't mean to
> > leave you hanging.
>
> I'm just not going to tell you how often I've been checking my mail, ok.
> It’s the novelty value of the mostly empty labs. Really.

And I won't tell you I got up to check my e-mail at four in the morning.
Just in case you got an early start to your day.

> > I'm sorry.  That was stupid thing to say too.  Just....shit.  I'm sorry.
> > I talk too much sometimes.
>
> Hey - for one thing you've got to tell someone, and for another how am I
> ever going to *get* to know you if you shut up.  You don't learn if you
> don't ask - and I did ask.

Good point.  Warning though--you ask me, I'll tell you, most likely.  I tend
to just answer questions and worry about whether the person really wanted to
know later.  Or not at all.  It's a fault.

> > Er...what the hell is cthulu??
>
> Dude - don't tell me you never read Lovecraft? H.P. Lovecraft - Cthulu’s
> essentially one of the elder gods. Big tentacled thing. Like I said, it'd
> been a really cunning disguise.

Okay, off to the bookstore on my way home.  And yeah, it *is* a cunning
disguise.  My brilliant plan to make you think I didn't know what you were
talking about has worked!

> > Okay, you caught me.  I don't often find myself coming out and sharing
> > leather dreams with attractive Brits, no matter what I'm wearing.
>
> We’re on mutual territory - don't get told them by attractive
> Americans, um, until now.

You think I'm attractive?

> > (At the moment that would be single breasted jacket, double pleat
> > trousers--both in a slate green-- and an antique white dress
> > shirt.  Dark green tie, and a gold tie pin.  Oh, and freshly polished
> > shoes.  Can't forget the shoes.  Italian leather.)
>
> Sounds - very smart. [Slate green? slate's grey unless there's something
> really messed up with my colour vision]

Slate green is like grey slate with a bit of green mixed in.  Just sounds
better than grey/green.  Or so the guy who sold me the suit said.

> and an antique shirt?

Oh dear, we really are out of sinc with the clothes, aren't we?  That's
antique white--sort of a really pale cream, just barely off white.  Janet
insists it's actually ecru, but I haven't got any idea what that is.

> I'm afraid I can't compete.  Fleece [grey with navy], T-shirt [I think
> that might once have been a 'no fear' logo - sort of blue-ish], jeans [faded not
> ripped] and very battered knock-off Nikes.

Sounds far far more comfortable than my suit.  And it suits you better than
the suit does me.

> We're back at that different world thing, aren't we?

It's just clothes.  :-)  We're all naked under them.

Oh man, I didn't just say that did I?  I'm not going to delete it
either--that's just how my mind works.

> > Man, here I am on the one hand saying I won't play games and on
> > the other I'm saying I talk too much, tell too much. I'm having trouble
> > finding a balance here.
>
> Just - talk, yeah?  Part of me's screaming it would be easier to
> go back to small talk, or just avoidance, but - seems like we've both
> decided that the other one is trustworthy, and, You know, I like you, and
> neither of us has run of screaming in terror just yet ... so - don't worry too much?
>
> Well - I convinced *me* at least.

Yeah.  I mean, okay.  I can do that.  I don't think I could go back to small
talk anyway--sort of crossed a line somewhere.  We can work with this.

> >  No strange taste in icky music.  ;-)
>
> What tastes in non-icky music, if I may ask?

Okay, maybe icky.  I'm a closet dork.  I like baroque.  Really.  And David
Bowie from the 70's.  Punk bands that everyone has heard of--no time to go
out and find the ones no one's heard of--and the folk stuff my dad used to
play.

> I'm lucky - there are enough hyper political in-your-face types
> around here to take the flack. Which probably makes me a spoiled SOB,
> but - well - they bug *me*, so what they must do to the blood pressure of the
> religious right I dread to think.   [I'm going to assume that you're not a
> Republican voting fundamentalist for the purposes of this sentence]

*falls over laughing at the thought of voting Republican*

> > Maybe not funny, but pretty flattering.  Though possible true...maybe if
> > offered breakfast *as* a date I'd get somewhere.
>
> The idea of "dating" anyone - I mean everyone,  in general - gay,
> straight, small furry creatures from Alpha Centuri - is just kind of alien
> to me - it's such an American thing.

Really?  How does it work in England?

> Sounds good - right till you get to the melted cheese for breakfast. I'll
> skip that part, if you don't mind. [I'm a failure as a student - I can't
> stand left over pizza first thing either] Give me a bacon butty any day.
> Brown sauce, not ketchup.

Your turn--bacon butty?  Brown sauce?

> > You *really* don't want to know.  The firemen were cute though.
>
> *grins* - What’d you cook it with? A nuke? US firemen uniforms, I have to
> admit, are a lot more flattering than the UK versions. Yellow and black
> oversize dungarees just don’t do it for me. Give me a policeman any day -
> mounted or biker corp for preference ;)

*mind stutters around mounted police*....ever seen the uniforms for the
mounted police in Canada?  Uhn.

And I cooked it in the oven.  Just....for a little too long.  Shut up.  In
my defence, I was being helped by several friends, and there was liberal use
of brandy.  Uh, in us, not the lamb.  There was also something about the
oven mitts.  Right, moving on...

> > Forget school, family, everything.  Just fly, huh?  Maybe I need a bike.
> > I don't zone like that much anymore.
>
> Maybe you should - it's got to be less stress than a treadmill. Is there
> somewhere near your you could ride away from traffic? Not having to watch
> out for your life every second does help with the meditative aspect. We're
> lucky here - a lot of parks close by, and the river and canal
> banks. It's an escape thing, as well as a mode of transport and some
> exercise all rolled into one.

I'd like to.  But no, there isn't really. I could drive to the parks easily
enough, but it just seems...not right.  I'll think about it.  I'm not here
so much, and it snows so much in the winter that I probably wouldn't get out
as often as I'd like either.

> > I'm not joking.  I tend not to save the CVs of people we don't hire, who
> > aren't interested in KI and haven't asked to be kept on file.
> >
> > Just yours.
>
> This is one of those 'should I be looking for subtle' moments.
>
> Given the last week or so : I'm glad you did save mine.

I thought that was pretty open.  I saved your CV for no reason other than
that I wanted to.  If you want even more open, I saved your CV 'cause I kept
thinking about you, that day, that night.  I saved your CV 'cause I didn't
want to trash it.

I e-mailed you, 'cause you climb.  Wasn't doing a scary stalker thing, had
no idea you're gay.  Didn't know we'd get along as well as we do.

I'm glad I did.  Save it, and e-mail you.

> > God I want to go home.  I'll be here late though, doing
> > paperwork.  Order in supper--again--fall into bed after midnight.
>
> Sounds stressy. At least you have a good reason to call on your
> take away of choice. [Just tell me it's not kebabs and I'll rest easy
> about your tastes.]

Nah, had deli at nine, then at eleven thirty we ordered out for Chinese.
Got home past two, destressed for a bit, checked my e-mail at four, slept,
got up and was back here by nine.  Early night tonight, I think.

> > Try something.  Don't lock yourself in, but give yourself time to see if
> > you like it before saying no.  Figure out what really makes you tick,
> > what gets you excited, what pulls you out of bed each day.  See what it is
> > about that which you can find in a workplace.  Do what you love, not
> > necessarily what you're good at.
>
> Working on it, cap’n.  How'd you work your way up to your post at your
> tender years anyway - I mean, you're what? Five years out of school?

Yeah, five.  But I spent all my summers doing the programs--spent a summer
in Costa Rica, one in Israel with my dad (at a commune), two in Guatemala.
Did the work I'm training people for now, saw if from the other end.  Took
marketing in school, coupled it with an anthropology minor so I could learn
about cultures, and sort of slipped in and did what needed doing.

> Be careful - working in sales is pernicious stuff - Cam [one of those
> friends who's rapidly becoming an acquaintance] is selling mobile
> phones of all things at the moment, and it does seem to creep in round the
> edges with some people.  I kind of like non-salesman-you. I just won’t
> think too hard about the perceptiveness thing.

If it helps, communicating this way makes it way harder to get into
someone's head.  No nuance, no body language, no tone of voice.  I won't try
to go where you don't want me.

> Oliver? Will you do me a favour? Don't beat yourself up over emailing me?
> I'm a little weirded out that it was me you chose to send it to,
> not one of your friends, but - I get it, and I wish I'd been around to say
> something sooner.

That's just it.  You are one of my friends.  And you're the one I wanted to
tell.  So I did, and now I'm going to just go with the whole 'stop beating
yourself up about it' thing.

> and a cold shower does nothing for the lonely part.

That's certainly true.

> > This guy though--he came in, I stood up to leave, 'cause I just don't
> > stick around one on one in hotels.  He didn't even look at me, just sat
> > down when I stood up and asked me to suck him off.  Never happened before.
>
> “Fuck off” and flee seems like a pretty sane reaction - I just don't get
> it - what do people *expect* for Christ’s sake?

I honestly don't know.  Really.  Sometimes I think that the reason I'm not
with someone is 'cause I'm just too damn scared to go looking.  Then
something like that happens and I remember why I'm scared of the clubs and
the bars and shit like that.  It's a vicious circle.

And now Janet's all keen to set me up with this guy from Portland
again--he's supposed to be in town next week.  Yay.  So not impressed with
this idea either.

> > But yeah, he was being a jerk--it's like people assume that all gay guys
> > will do all other gay guys and it doesn't matter who.  Like we'll just
> > jump at any chance to get laid.
>
> That’s pretty much the attitude that's been grating on my nerves, yeah.
> What's the joke, gay men have sex without relationships, and lesbians have
> relationships without sex? I'd kind of like to believe that *wasn't* true.

It's not.  If I remember correctly anyway.  :P  Sorry, very lame attempt at
humour.

> > Not sure I want to, if he thinks that about me.
>
> His approach surely sucked, but : there is another interpretation : that
> you're a friend, and he, presumably, trusts you, maybe likes you, just
> didn't know how to make his approach? I can kind of relate to the doing
> things clumsily while emotionally wrung out aspect.

Maybe.  Haven't heard from any of them yet, but that's not a big
shock--we're not super close, an e-mail or three every couple of months.

> > > Just to switch perspectives on you, that's probably 'months of people
> > > looking, admiring, deciding you're way out of their league, and not
> > > saying anything'.
> >
> > I doubt that, but thanks.
>
> If I hadn’t been in a 'must find job and not slit wrists' sort of
> headspace, and you hadn't been a potential employer that'd pretty much
> have been my thought process. You're not hard on the eye, let us say.

Really?  Wow.  Umm...now I'm the speechless one.

> > Jesus.  Sounds sort of like my sister and mom, though they throw in
> > biblical references.
>
> Advantages of a mostly secular family?

I would say yes to that.  :-)

> > Yeah.  Long periods of celibacy tend to put a damper on the sense of
> > humour. See me not laughing.
>
> It’s much funnier when the painful stuff is happening to Other
> People. This is why Jackass works.

See?  I keep telling people that and they just look at me funny.  So glad
you understand.

> > God, Tom.  I get the pain.  I do.  And I get that you think no
> > one cares. But I do.  I know it hurts, and I know it feels like it's not
> > going to get better.  But it will.
>
> It will - it has. I'm reading and writing this without making a fool of
> myself in public for one thing.  It gets better and good things will come
> along for both of us eventually, right?  Keep telling me that?

You and I will get better.  Good things will happen, we'll find people who
treat us right, with respect.

Who are sexy as fuck and do whatever it is that makes our toes curl.  With
respect.

> Sometimes it might be easier to be a kid again - this whole adult world
> thing is kinda scary, and I don't know if I'm ready yet - and that's just
> jobs and houses and stuff.

That feeling?  Growing up.  I'll let you know if it ever goes away.

> > I get that.  Peter and I share friends and I can't even ask about him
> > because they either only tell me the bad stuff, thinking it will make me
> > feel better 'cause he's the bastard who cheated on me, or they
> > look at me with pity and don't say anything....'cause he's the bastard
> > who cheated on me and I must still be hung up on him if I ask.
>
> I don’t now if that's better or worse - different and painful and
> frustrating. Do you ever run into him?

No, everyone is quite careful about making sure we don't get invited to the
same things.  Actually I've been sort of drifting from that circle of
friends, and it's becoming less and less an issue.  It was pretty bad when
we first broke up--we'd been living together our entire time here, had made
friends together; no one in our group knew what he was doing, and while they
freely admit he was wrong they all say they can sympathise with what he was
feeling, 'cause I was gone so much.

> > This wasn't your fault.  You answered the phone early in the morning.
> > Yeah, it outed him, but it wasn't your fault he couldn't deal with that.
> > Not your fault that he was ashamed of who he was.  Not your fault he
> > wanted to hide you.
>
> I should have thought though - should have been a bit more on the ball, a
> bit more considerate. Should have let him answer his own damn phone.
> Something.

You were *asleep*.  He could have unplugged it, reached over you, taken it
off the hook, whatever.  He could have come up with a better lie.

Okay, I'm going to stop, 'cause I can't see anyway that he should be able to
get off scott free and you taking the blame for everything.  And I don't
want to piss you off by saying over and over that he brought it on himself.

> > Fuck, if you were my boyfriend I'd parade you all over town and tell
> > everyone.
>
> *smiles* - Thanks for that. You’re getting a corner of my ego all nice and
> shiny.

Oh!  shiny......  Pretty shiny.

> > Not your fault, Tom.
>
> Cause and effect, Oliver.

He caused it.

Stopping.

> I don't know. I don't know who said what, or what who believed - only what
> hit the gossip hard enough to get back to even me. I know he finished up the
> school year - no idea if his parents let him go home - any of that. I know he
> was crying when he asked me to get out of the flat, and I know I caused that.

Yeah, well.  Peter cried when I kicked his naked ass out of here and he
caused that.  Tried to tell me that it was my fault he was fucking some guy
in our bed.  And you know what?  It wasn't.  He came into this with his eyes
open and it was his choices that led to me saying enough.

Kay made his choices.  And yeah, he got hurt, but it was ultimately his
choices that hurt him, not any intent of yours.  Did you intend to out him
when you picked up the phone?  No.  Did you intend to make his life hard?
No.

You intended to love him.  Kay intended to have you and hide you and keep
his family from finding out what his is.

> > Shit, I'm sorry.  I know you're going to stop talking to me after this,
> > but I gotta say it, Tom.
>
> Say it - maybe I need to hear it. Been locked up with only my own views on
> the subject for too long - just - fuck it, the only other person
> in the room can't see my face, and I think I can keep from punching the
> walls.
>
> > He wasn't ready to have you.  Wasn't ready to be a man and live his own
> > life on his own terms.  He was unfair to you.
> >
> > Not.  Your.  Fault.
>
> Wish I could believe that.

Try. You deserve to be with someone who's proud to be with you--proud enough
not to pretend to be someone he isn't.

> I did know - that first night when we talked - I knew he wasn't
> out to them, right from the beginning.
>
> Fuck - this is one of those 'manhood and identity' things the GLB probably
> had seminars on, that I might have some clue how to deal with it
> I'd gone to them, right?

Christ, maybe.  I never went.  And I'm not saying the right things here, I
know.  I know closeted guys and they seem to live their lives well
enough...I just don't get how someone can be happy when they can't be honest
with themselves and the people who are important to them.  It's colouring
what I'm saying.

> Thank you though. It's - it's weird to actually lay it out like that, to
> tell someone the whole story, start to finish. maybe a good
> thing.  Nice to think that someone gets it, and maybe cares a bit.
>
> Thanks.

Not sure I did any good.  But I'm here if you want to throw more at me.

> > Nah, it's cool.  Don't stress.  I get my personal e-mail forwarded here
> > anyway--the company is so big that they don't monitor, really.  And if
> > they do?  Screw 'em.
>
> Just so long as you know. Those tech friends of yours, when
> they're wearing a t-shirt that says 'I read your email'? they really are -
> or they can, anyway.

Yeah, I know.  They're going to be bored to tears though.

Make you a deal.  We start talking about stuff that you don't want anyone to
read, switch to rkurls at pdc.com

That one's just sitting there, no one has the addy and it's not forwarded
off the server.

> It's been an - interesting couple of days. Haven't got as much done on the
> dissertation as I meant to, but - yeah, I'm ok.  Pretty much.

Get to work.  *stern look*

> > Hope you're still talking to me.
>
> Nope, ignoring you utterly.  ;p

You need a new dictionary--they changed the meaning of ignoring since you
last looked.

> Take care - and take a break sometime!  - no heart attacks just yet, ok?
> Save that till after the promotion.

After we climb something.  :-)

Talk soon,

Oliver



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